


The best of you belongs to me

by Napping



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Curses, M/M, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-01
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 13:00:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 28,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21635740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Napping/pseuds/Napping
Summary: Steve Rogers is cursed, has been since he was a little child. Every morning when he wakes up, he gets a list with things he has to do or is not allowed to do. Steve tries to live his life as best as he can.He meets Bucky, when he isn't allowed to lie. They join the army, after he was told to take part in project rebirth. Bucky falls, just when Steve was allowed to tell him the truth. Steve crashes the plane instead of obeying.When Steve wakes up again, he has a new order. Kill the Winter Soldier.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Peggy Carter/Daniel Sousa
Comments: 30
Kudos: 36





	1. Chapter 1

_Don’t lie._

_Don’t back out._

_Don’t tell anyone._

Steve groaned, pressing his face into his pillow, trying to keep the orders as clear in his head as possible and then hurried to write them down when they faded away.

There were only three today, that was good. Steve ran a hand through his hair, blowing out a breath, still annoyed by it. The Don’t Lie order was the worst. Just one slip up and that was it.

Frustrated he threw his pencil down, ripping the page out of his notebook and looked at it, frowning.

_”_Don’t back out,” Steve read aloud, slowly. He hated it when the orders were so vague. This could mean _anything_. He was used to the other ones. He received the order to not lie randomly a few times every month, getting better at it with every time but never less annoyed. It just seemed to always manage to pop up on the worst days possible.

The Don’t Tell Anyone order was also nothing new. It was there every morning. It had also been the reason why Steve learned the consequences for misbehaviour and ignoring an order. They started appearing when he learned to read fluently at age 6, appearing and then fading away, like a dream he could remember crystal clear when he first awoke and then began to fade out of his memory the second he gained more consciousness. Scared, he’d tried to tell his mother about it and instantly his vision started to black out, his head spun; Steve’s felt more sick than he ever had before.

He’s never gotten as far as to tell his own mother about the orders and it broke his heart.

It was also terrifying to know that there was nobody who understood him. At first Steve thought everybody was getting these orders, but even when he hinted at that, nobody seemed to get what he meant. There were no records or stories about it, nothing magical or mystical in relation to it. Curses were common, curses about orders and obedience too, but that specific one seemed to be more seldom than any other.

There were two different kinds of orders. The things he needed to do and the things he mustn’t do. He knew that if he resisted and didn’t do as told, he blacked out, his body taking over, obeying. He woke up to the aftershocks of his obedience. No memory of the whole day. It could be the most terrifying part of it all. Not being in control of his body, no idea of what he did and how he did it? Steve didn’t want to ever experience that again.

What might scare him even more than that, though, was that he had no idea what would happen if he disobeyed an order.

He got head aches so bad from just thinking of it, he’d never dared to try.

Steve thought he might just black out, if he disobeyed them. He doubted he’d ever open his eyes again, though. He knew he was way too young to even think about being relieved by the possibility.

He didn’t disobey. Not because it might kill him, though. He was more sacred that he might black out and never wake up again, but his body still carrying out everything. Hurt people he loved, they wouldn’t see it coming and neither would he.

Clenching his jaw, Steve read over the list again. _Don’t back out_. He took an annoyed breath and crumpled the paper and then put it in his pocket. Well, good his mother hasn’t raised a quitter.

_“_Good Morning, honey!” His mother stood behind the stove, smiling at him brightly. “How are you doing?”

“I’m,” Steve stopped himself from saying ‘fine’, rubbing his head at the sharp pain going through it. “Annoyed.”

His mother hummed, tasting bit of the soup she was making before putting more salt in it. “Anything specific bothering you?”

His head hurt sharply and he groaned, grabbing at it. He wished he could say no but he couldn’t and neither could he tell her what it was about either. Steve rubbed over his temples with his hands, trying to stop himself from getting angry this early in the morning. “Yes,” he gritted out and then sat down at the table.

“Wanna talk about it?” His mother asked, throwing her thinning blond hair over her shoulder.

Steve loved her dearly, he did. He also loved how much she cared, but right now he could scream in frustration about all her questions.

“I want to,” he said slowly, resting his chin on his hand. ”but I can’t.”

His mother looked at him faux shocked, putting one hand over her chest. ”Steven Grant, are you hiding teenager gossip from me?”

_Yeah,_ he wanted to answer sarcastically. _Girls are stumbling over their feet to get a piece of my skinny ass. _Only thinking about giving a lie as answer, sarcastic or not, made him feel sick.

”No, of course not,” Steve answered, honestly. It felt good to tell the truth, it was as if there was a little weight got lifted off his shoulders whenever he obeyed. ”But I’ll have you know when one of my zero close friends gets caught up in drama.”

”You don’t have zero friends, Steve,” she said seriously, frowning slightly. ”Just talk some more to the boys in your class. You’ll find you’re surrounded by lovely people. Connect.”

Steve scoffed, wishing he could tell her that he hasn’t been lying when he said he had no friends and his curse has just proved that, no matter how much it hurt him to think about it.

”I’m surrounded by jack asses,” he just said, with finality.

The curse didn’t stop him.

The third time Timothy’s first connected with his face, Steve became painfully aware what the curse had meant with _Don’t Back Out_. He wouldn’t have either way, he realised frustratedly, but now he had no choice either.

Weakly, he tried to push himself off the wall and right against the bully’s chest, but he was pushed back against the brick behind his back before he could even properly raise his arm.

Steve could take a punch. More than one even, with ease and pride, but today he’s felt irritated since waking up and it made him so mad that he had no say in the matter, couldn’t do anything but take it till the other boy stopped.

It scared him a little to know that he wouldn’t have backed out either way, but now that his hands were tied like that, Steve was painfully aware that Timothy could just kill him, never stopping to hit him. Steve raised his fists again, sniffing against the blood that was running from his nose.

Timothy rolled his eyes, mustering Steve and an ugly grin sneaked its way on his face. ”Are you serious?” He asked amusedly, arrogantly.

Before Steve could show him just how serious he was, though, the other boy was pulled away from him and all but kicked out of the alleyway behind the school.

”Pick on someone your own size,” a brown haired boy yelled after Timothy, who looked up at him from the ground confusedly. It took him another quick look between Steve and then the other boy before he got up and backed away, his head shaking.

”Whatever man,” he said, before disappearing around the corner.

Steve starred at the brown haired boy some more, frowning. He didn’t need anyone to look after him. He could hold his own.

_“_I had him on the rop-“ Steve stopped himself, having to lean against the wall when his vision started to black out around the edges. He bit his lip angrily, feeling irritated by the bloody taste that spread in his mouth. “He wouldn’t have killed me.” He settled on instead, taking deep breath till the dizzy feeling went away. It was a relief to know that that hadn’t been a lie at least.

“No, no,” the brown haired boy said, shaking his hand out. “I know, you had him on the ropes, pal.”

”I don’t like bullies,” Steve defended, not quite knowing why he felt the need to clarify that. ”Timothy is a dick.”

”I don’t like them much either.” The boy shrugged, sounding casual and sympathetic.

Steve watched him carefully, feeling more and more pain sinking through now that the adrenaline went away. Before he could ask the boy for his name or just try and tell him again that he had been in absolute control of the situation and didn’t need saving, he got interrupted though.

”Mr. Barnes,” Mr. Hendriks said from behind Steve. ”Mr. Rogers.To the office, now!”

The boy’s name was James, Steve found out when they sat in front of their headmaster, who looked at them with a disapproving frown.

”No, I started the fight,” Steve said, biting his teeth together crumbly. He couldn’t lie, _damnit._ ”Timothy was being an asshole.”

In retrospect, he should have just stayed silent. The two weeks detention didn’t sound worth it.

”Pal,” Bucky said, after they’ve left the office. The headmaster had yelled at them till his head was red and sweaty. They laughed for 15 minutes straight about it after they’ve left. ”I appreciate honesty, I really do. But man, if there has ever been a situation to lie, it would have been that one.”

”I know that,” Steve said, still grumpy.

Bucky looked at him amusedly, his smile a little lopsided, and then knocked their shoulders together. ”Well, glad to know we see eye to eye on that, too.”

Just that morning Steve hadn’t been lying when he’s said he didn’t have friends. Now he wasn’t so sure he’d be able to say that anymore. It seemed like meeting Bucky had been destined to happen and for the first time, just for a second, Steve didn’t hate his curse.

Steve grinned back at Bucky, only slightly. ”That’s good to know.”

_Don’t wear anything red._

_Clean out the dishwasher._

_Promise._

_Don’t tell anyone._

Steve groaned and rubbed his eyes sleepily. He hated that he couldn’t just take a minute to actually wake up, no, the words were already beginning to fade around the edges, finding their way out of his memory. Sighing he rolled over quickly to write the orders down, pausing a second to remember whether or not he was not allowed to wear red or blue. The day already annoyed the hell out of him. Did he want to wear red when he’s woken up? No way in hell. A few years back he’d once worn a red sweatshirt and Bucky had gotten a stomach ache from laughing at him, just able to stop his laughter long enough to explain to Steve that he looked like a Chihuahua and a fire hydrant had a super pissed off baby together.

He’s spend the rest of the time being super pissed off at his best friend, proving him right but also mad enough not to care and then spend the rest of the week in all - red just to spite Bucky. Frankly, though, a few months ago Bucky found a picture of him in the sweatshirt, when he had even taken that was still a question to Steve, and he had to agree with his friend.

So no, Steve has learned his lesson about wearing red, he really didn’t want to wear that color today or any other day. Bucky and him had agreed that blue was the best go to for him, anyway. But knowing that he _couldn’t, _made him irritably mad at the whole world before he even got out of bed.

Also, _Promise? _What the absolute fuck was he supposed to promise? Steve put his head in his hands, groaning loudly.

When he shuffled into the kitchen, he’s already feeling his head begin to spin, aching more and more with every second he stood around, doing anything other than cleaning out the damn dishwasher. It wasn’t even his turn, it was Bucky’s, damnit.

Cursing he opened it up, taking the plates out, clicking them together, all but threw them around, making a lot more noise than frankly necessary but who was gonna blame him for it.

”Pal.” Bucky walked into the kitchen yawning and rubbing through his hair with one hand. ”It’s my turn, just get out of the way.”

Steve bit his teeth together, holding the plates in his hands as far away from Bucky as possible. It was his turn, indeed. ”No, don’t. I got it. I promise.”

Bucky chuckled quietly, raising his eyebrows at him. ”You’re gonna end up breaking them. You’re throwing all our dishes around. Just let me.”

Steve bit his bottom lip, shaking his head, looking up at Bucky with an irritated frown. ”Let me take that turn, I’m nearly done. I’m not breaking anything.” He looked at his best friend wide eyes before cocking his head. ”I promise I won’t break the dishes?” He tried out, feeling no relieve from the curse. Go figure.

”You are a weird little man, Rogers.” Bucky shock his head at him amusedly, sitting down at the small kitchen table.

”You could just say thank you, you know?” Steve bit out, turning back to the dishwasher.

”Thank you,” Bucky drew out, shooting him a teasing half smile. ”For being super angry at me for doing my chore when I haven’t asked you to and getting more mad when I tried to stop you.”

Steve looked inside a cup, wriggling his nose and put it back into the washer. "You are such an asshole, I don’t know why I even bother to be friends with you.”

”I am the light of your life,” Bucky shrugged, studying the different cereal boxes on the shelf with clenched eyes. ”I am your favorite person on earth.”

Steve agreed, but Bucky didn’t have to know that.

”I ate all your fruit loops,” Steve simply said, flipping his best friend off.

”Fuck you.”

Brock held up a rainbow colored box of fruit loops, cocking his head to the side, looking at Steve critically. ”Those?”

Steve looked over his shoulder quickly and then nodded at his friend, pushing the card further through the store. ”Yes,” he confirmed, stopping to look for the granola with the most promising nutrition facts. ”Bucky loves these.”

While shaking his head, Brock threw the box in the card, still frowning. ”There’s a unicorn on the box, dude. That’s so gay.”

”Glad to see it fits to Bucky, then,” Steve deadpanned, readying himself to start an argument with Brock about the misuse of the word gay, if he added something else. Luckily for him, though, Brock just shrugged and began to look around the store, bored.

”Can you hurry?” Brock asked after staying quiet for a while, tapping with his fingers on a shelf.

Steve sighed, throwing the granola box he was holding into the card. ”I am hurrying. I promise,” he tried out, not surprised when it didn’t help anything about the knot he’s felt in his stomach since he’s read today’s chores. ”But just because Bucky doesn’t care about his vitamin intake doesn’t mean nobody should.”

Brock scoffed, running with one hand through his hair. ”Could have fooled me. Buck seems to be doing just fine.”

Steve glared at his friend, a bit more angry than he should feel. He always seemed to be, especially around Brock. He was a nice enough guy, sometimes a bit more setback than was good for him and also often a bit too much of an asshole, without realising that, Steve suspected. He’s known him since 9th grade and he somehow has stuck around till now. He was fun to be around, most of the time, as long as you didn’t talk politics or social issues with him, at last.

”I’ll only go and buy some grapes and bread and then we can get out of here, okay? I promise,” Steve murmured and started to walk again.

Brock raised his hands and then shoved them into his pockets in a fluid movement. ”Well then, what are you waiting for.”

It turned out to be a really average day, with the only difficulty that Bucky seemed to catch up that Steve promised literally anything all day long.

_”Chance the channel, please.”_

_”I will after at the next commercial break, I promise.”_

Bucky looked at him from the side and then only shrugged, settling back on the couch.

_”Pal, if I see one more of your dirty socks under the coach, I’ll burn all of them.”_

_”I’ll still leave them there, till the day I die. I promise.”_

Bucky looked at him fondly and yet like Steve was the biggest asshole he has ever seen. He probably was. _  
_

_”_ _Pass me the salt real quick?”_

_”I will after using it, I promise.”_

_”It’s really not that serious, but I appreciate it, pal.”_

Other than that, it really was a pretty uneventful day. That was until Bucky went out of the room to take a phone call and came back pale and shaking.

”What is it?” Steve sat up from where he was sprawled out all over the couch, leading his best friend to sit next to him.

”My Dad,” Bucky said, slowly, pale eyes starring into the distance. ”He, uhm. My mother just received the condolence letter from Colonel Dellest himself. He fell in battle.”

George Barnes had been a happy man. His eyes were bright grey, always glimmering with mischief and sympathy. He had always seemed to be smiling.

Steve starred at his best friend for a long while, not knowing what to say. It felt as if the whole world has lost a bit of the happiness in it.

”I’m so sorry, Buck,” Steve said at last, knowing that it didn’t help with anything.

”Say you won’t ever leave me, Stevie,” Bucky said, not looking at him.

”Of course not,” Steve answered with conviction in his voice, even though, logically, it was really unlikely to be true. Steve’s health has never been the best and his chances to actually outlive Bucky were on a scale from one to Never Going To Happen off the charts.

And a little, selfish part of him, was thankful for that. Steve didn’t want many things, but more than anything he wanted to never live in a world without Bucky in it.

Bucky finally turned around to look at him, his eyes shinning with unshed tears. He was beautiful. There was the smallest hint of a smile tucked around his lips, just a bare shadow of an expression. ”Till the end of the line?”

Steve cocked his head to the side, but Bucky only shrugged at him, eyes open and honest. Steve leaned his head against his shoulder. ”Till the end of the line. I promise,” Steve answered, meaning ever word of it.

Immediately, he felt the knot in his stomach unclench, and that constant heaviness on his shoulders disappeared. Steve had totally forgotten about it for a moment, though. The cruse hadn’t been the reason why he had promised that. He’d promised it because he had meant every single syllable.

Bucky laughed wetly and tried to push Steve off of him, but Steve just leaned back against him. ”What is up with you and promises today?” Bucky sniffled and leaned his head atop his. They were silent for a while until Bucky added softly: ”I promise, too.”

_Buy pears._

_Lie._

_Don’t tell anyone._

Steve groaned and rubbed his eyes before turning to write the orders down. Frowning he bit his bottom lip before rolling his eyes and falling back into his pillows. He didn’t even like pears.He scoffed while putting his cloths on and then all but stumped into the kitchen, where Bucky was already standing, flipping a pancake.

”Morning, Frowny,” he sang, smiling at him.

They must have never looked more like polar opposites. ”Yeah, it is a wonderful morning,” Steve lied, feeling a little bit better, but still feeling the curse pull on him.

Bucky laid his head back and laughed. ”That’s a lot of sarcasm for such a little man.”

Steve sat down at the table, resting his head on his crossed arms atop of it. ”I love when you call me that. Makes me feel all special and happy.”

”Aw, Stevie,” Bucky said, his voice fake apologetic. ”I am just kidding. You know that I think you are just fine, exactly the way you are,” he added, seriously.

Steve knew that Bucky didn’t mean anything by it. Bucky was the only person who he didn’t feel defensive of whenever they made a comment about his skinny body. He knew that his best friend didn’t mean any harm or offense and Steve didn’t take any in it. The problem was, Steve just couldn’t tell him that.

”What?” Steve answered instead, sarcasm clear in his voice, becoming a little less grumpy, as he realised that the curse did count sarcasm as lies today. There was nothing helping with his bad mood more than finding loopholes. ”I thought all this time you really meant to wound me.”

Bucky laughed again, his eyes crinkling up. ”If I wanted to _wound_ you, Rogers, I’d go and grab the pictures of you in the red sweatshirt. Remember that?”

_Yes, _Steve thought, _cause neither you nor the curse will ever let me forget about it. ”_I have absolute no idea what you’re talking about.”

”Typical denial,” Bucky shot back easily, turned the stove off and placed the pancakes in front of Steve. ”Just because you make yourself forget, doesn’t mean the world will.”

”You are the world in this scenario?”

”I am your entire world in every scenario.”

Steve wished he could agree honestly. ”Are you, though?” he deadpanned instead, causing Bucky to laugh again.

Around noon, the dizzy feeling together with sickness and a heavy headache, made it impossible for Steve to ignore that he needed to buy pears. _Pears_ of all of fruits there were. Would it be something like grapes, he wouldn’t even complain. He’d had a graving for some for weeks but always forgot to buy them.

”I’m,” Steve started to shout out and immediately felt his vision blackening out. Grumbling he sat back down on his bed and rubbed his head, eyes closed.

Bucky came in seconds later, running into his room, kneeling down in front of him. ”Hey, Stevie you alright? Do you need your inhaler?”

Steve blinked his eyes open, Bucky immediately searching eye contact with him. ”I’m fine,” Steve coughed out, rubbing his temples. It hit him later on that it had apparently been a lie. ”I just had a heart attack, probably.”

Bucky put his hands on Steve’s knees, shaking his head at him but he still had a little relieved smile on his face. ”Stop,” he huffed out, squeezing Steve’s knees once before sinking back to sit on the floor. ”That’s not funny. You know your heart, that could happen very well.”

”My heart is the strongest out there,” Steve mumbled, still feeling irritated.

Bucky got up to his feet slowly, stretching his hand out to help Steve get up. ”Yeah, completely unmatched,” he said, pulling him to his feet. ”So what was up then? You called, right?”

Steve cocked his head to the side, and then looked around trying to find his keys. ”Nah, I didn’t,” he lied absentmindedly, before spotting his keys on his dresser and then turning his attention back to his frowning best friend. ”I’m -” Steve halted, trying to find something to say. He couldn’t even say that he was going out. ”We have no food at all in this whole neighbourhood, so I, myself, decided to buy some.”

Bucky pulled his eyebrows up, looking amused. ”You are so weird,” he deadpanned, but he sounded so fond, smiled at him so softly that Steve couldn’t help but smile back. Steve has never felt less judged in his life.

”So?” Steve asked, pulling his jacket on.

”So what?” Bucky asked, still staring at Steve but then shook his head fast.

Steve raised his eyebrows, feeling the corners of his mouth pull up again . ”So, do you need something?”

Bucky shook his head again, blinking two times. ”Nah, I’m good. Movie later?”

”I would totally hate to have a relaxed evening and watch a movie later,” Steve lied sarcastically, already halfway out the door.

”Is that a yes?” Bucky called after him, sounding honestly confused.

Steve laughed over his shoulder. ”You know it is.”

Pears were his new mortal enemy, Steve swore. He was so ready for a fight. He really was. But even he had enough common sense to know that blacking out, letting his curse take over for the day, just wasn’t worth it.

He scoffed at the pears in front of him and then went to find the most ugly ones he could find. He took 3 brown ones from the bottom of the basket and waited for the dizzy feeling to weaken. It only did once he had no less than 15 in his arms, annoyance so high he was about to just throw them all to the floor.

”Hello,” greeted him the elder lady working at the register. She frowned a little at the pile of pears but recovered quickly, smiling at him. ”These are a great choice, they are really sweet.”

Steve scoffed again, fighting the urge to roll his eyes. ”I have never loved anything more in my life than pears,” he deadpanned.

The frown took its place again, as she typed the number for pears into her tablet. ”Okay?” She asked, looking up at him as if she wasn’t sure wether he was sane.

”I really don’t think that pears could literally go fuck themselves,” Steve continued, smiling at her brightly.

She raised an eyebrow about his language but didn’t say anything about it. ”Oookay?” She repeated instead, before telling him his total, sounding vary. ”Do you need a bag?”

Steve took a deep breath, about to pick a fight with his curse after all. ”No. Totally don’t.”

Taking 15 pears home was a bit of a challenge, given that he didn’t have a bag for them. Once he walked through the door again, he was more exhausted than he had been in a long time. He also lost count of how many times he had dropped some of them, which was equally satisfying and annoying all the same.

Bucky stuck his head out of his room and then came running instantly when he saw Steve struggle. ”Dude,” he said, taking all pears but 5 from him. ”Bags exist, you know.”

Steve scoffed, wiping his forehead. ”Oh, really? Didn’t even know that.”

His best friend laughed, bringing the pears into the kitchen. ”I have no idea why you went that wild and bought so many of them, but it’s awesome, man. I’ve had a craving for some all day.

Steve couldn’t help the little laughter that bubbled up in his throat. He kicked off his shoes and walked after his friend into their kitchen. Bucky sat on the counter, chewing one pear happily.

”Perfect,” Steve said, he couldn’t help but stare at Bucky for a while, loosing himself in thought. Seeing Bucky so happy made him feel so warm inside, for a second he forgot how much his day had sucked. How he had only so little control of his life, how his choices got taken away. For a second that all didn’t matter, because Bucky was smiling at him and well, what could be bad in the world then. ”You can always count on me. I won’t let you down, pal.”

And that was when it all came raining own on him. Steve felt lighter in an instant, a weight disappearing of his shoulders, the knots in his stomach untied. And instantly, his world rocked violently back into place; he had totally forgot about the curse.

_Lie._

It had let him. He said he wouldn’t let Bucky down and it _had let him_, after he was only supposed to lie today.

Steve swallowed, feeling worse than the curse had made him feel just seconds ago. He felt so sick, he was sure he’d throw up.

He looked over at his best friend, who finished his pear and then smiled softly back at him. “I know, Stevie,” he said, his eyes all soft and honest.

Steve has never felt worse. 

_Wear Green._

_Don’t disagree._

_Don’t tell anyone._

”Hey there, Mister Grinch,” Bucky laughed at him when he walked into the kitchen, his outfit his best impression of a tree. ”Still up to meet Brock and Sam later, or are you too busy stealing Christmas.”

”Well, I already know who isn’t getting a present this Christmas, for sure.”

Bucky’s laughter was loud and deep, sending shivers right through Steve’s spine, making him feel all woozy. He had a beautiful laughter, Steve observed. He’d known that. He’s heard Bucky laugh for years, but yet, right now, it felt as if he has never heard it this clearly before. He didn’t ever want a day to go by on which he didn’t hear that sound.

Platonically, he was sure. He platonically wanted Bucky be the happiest he could be. And he wanted to platonically make sure of it. Be the reason for it even, maybe.

Sam and Brock were already waiting for them in the corner of the little bar at the end on of the street. The speakers boomed with loud music, making Steve’s head hurt the second he walked into the bar. Both Sam and Brock looked utterly relieved when ladder spotted them, waving wildly. The two have never been really close and the silence between them got awkward really fast when they were alone.

”Hey, green bean,” Sam called out, grinning.

”Wanna play some billiard? Steve’s the table,” Brock added right after, laughing at his own joke.

Steve rolled his eyes and sat down next to Brock, sighing. ”Try and make a joke Buck hasn’t already made, I dare you. I’ve heard them all. Kermit, various plants, traffic light jokes, everything.”

Bucky nodded, having the audacity to grin at him cheekily. ”I really was on fire today.” He had the absolute nerve to look proud, too. Steve smiled at him absentmindedly before he shook himself out of it and went back to scowling at him, as he was supposed to.

”You totally were,” Steve had to agree nonetheless, sounding not half as pissed off as he’d liked. He wouldn’t have fooled anyone anyway.

Conversation flew easily between them after that. Sam had a new job assigned to him at the VA, Brock had bought a new apartment. They made the occasional joke about Steve and then went back to celebrate their small victories. Looming over them, though, was the ever present issue that became harder and harder to ignore with every sentence that Sam lost about the VA.

The war wasn’t over. It had been believed to be won, but as it seemed the tables have turned and the army began drafting more and more men as the days went by.

Steve wanted to enlist. Badly. He didn’t say a word about it. He already knew how his friends would react anyway. Bucky would beg him not to go. After his father died he was really sensitive about the topic, not wanting to lose another person he considered family. He wouldn’t let Steve go somewhere he couldn’t follow him.

Brock would probably laugh at him. He wouldn’t think twice about what laughing might do to Steve’s self esteem and anger always present, deep in his gut. Brock never really thought about how he made other people feel, Steve realised. He’s gotten used to it, Brock was ruthless but once you got closer to him, he was a loyal friend to be around.

Sam’s reaction could go either way. He would be the most likely to actually support Steve in his plans but also the most likely to have an actual, logical discussion with him about it. He was good with his words, knew how to convince people with facts alone, hitting the sinker every time.

Steve had made his mind up, though. There was no sinker for him anywhere. He had to help where he could and he was about to.

”Bro.” Brock snapped his fingers in front of Steve, who blinked a few times to remember where he was. ”See all the chicks here?”

Steve frowned, rubbing his eyes subtly before looking around the bar. There were two girls sitting at the bar and three more standing around, two of them dancing to the music. ”Yes?” He drew out, looking back to his friend, who wore a little devilish grin on his face.

”Which one should I hit on first?” Brock asked, ignoring pointedly Sam’s sigh and Bucky’s eye roll. Sometimes being Brock’s friend was a bit of a challenge but deep down he was a good guy. Certainly.

Steve’s frown deepened, looking at the girls in the bar again, before he looked back at Brock. They’ve gotten in their most heated arguments about this, over and over again. ”I think they are all good without your company, Brock.”

”What does talking to them hurt?” Brock asked, a little irritated.

”They are all minding their own business,” Steve added, not getting up so Brock couldn’t either.

”See what the one at the bar wears?” Brock raised an eyebrow and nodded at a blond girl in a pink top. ”She’s asking to get hit on. Don’t you agree, Rogers?”

Steve bit his teeth together hard and suddenly, closing his mouth with an audible click. He didn’t agree. He _didn’t agree_. His closed his eyes against the spinning world around him, headache building up more and more, clouding his mind, with every second in which he didn’t agree with his friend. He tried to take a deep breath but choked on it instantly.

”Yes,” he bit out at last, feeling the lump in his throat disappear in an instant, yet the next breath felt bitter and wrong. When he opened his eyes again, Bucky and Sam were frowning at him disapprovingly, yet concerned. Bucky raised an eyebrow at him in silent question before nodding to his jacket lying behind him, looking at him questioning. Steve shook his head at his best friend, he didn’t need his inhaler that Bucky carried with him everywhere despite Steve rarely getting attacks the past few years.

”Well then, move your ass.” Brock shoved him slightly, not stopping till Steve got up, letting him out of their booth.

Bucky watched Brock walk out of earshot before turning back to Steve quickly. ”_Asking for it?_ And you said yes instead of yelling at him for that? What’s happening?”

Sam nodded next to Bucky, still looking disapproving.

”I didn’t want to cause a scene,” Steve said defensively, mostly mad at himself because he did want to cause a scene. Would cause one 50 times over, if that was what it took. Which seemed to be something his friends also knew, judging by their disbelieving expressions.

”Since when?” Bucky asked, downright incredulous. As if the sheer thought of his best friend lying to his face like that, as if he didn’t know better, offended him more than insults ever could.

Steve shrugged, taking a sip of his drink. He felt self conscious by being put on display for something he didn’t believe in. If he had caused a scene to fight Brock, he wouldn’t have cared for who saw him do it. Now, though, the gazes of his best friends burned holes into his head, making his tongue taste fuzzy. ”I don’t know, okay,” he snapped, watching the lemon in his drink swim around. ”I didn’t want to get him all rilled up again.”

”_Since when?” _Sam repeated words, looking like he was searching for signs that Steve has lost his mind.

”Here was enough tension as it was.” Steve tried to save the situation, trying to explain himself without saying words that would mean that he disagreed with Brock because he couldn’t. ”You were glaring daggers at him all night long. I didn’t want to have the whole group fight.”

Sam leaned back in his seat, crossing his arms. ”Has never stopped you before.”

”Come on, Sam,” Steve sighed, avoiding to look at Bucky, who was still watching him with sharp eyes. He was always quick to worry about Steve and his behaviour right now was a red beeping alarm on Bucky’s radar for sure. ”You don’t like Brock, it would have just ruined the whole night to make a fight out of it.”

”It’s not like I _hate_ the guy,” Sam answered slowly, his voice level and calm. ”I just think he is the kind of person you don’t want to give too much power to.”

Even without the curse, he couldn’t help but agree. He nodded at Sam, hanging his head. ”I know,” he said, looking up at his friend. ”Too much power or validation for his actions.”

Sam nodded at him, getting back to talk about the new coffee they gave away for free at the VA now. Bucky, though, watched Steve carefully for a second longer, silently. Steve didn’t look back at him, trying to act as if nothing was wrong while his insides felt like marbles, rolling around restlessly, making him feel sick. That topic wasn’t through, Steve knew that. He just had to sleep before the confrontation, get a new list, hope _Agree_ wasn’t a part of it and he’d be golden.

_Enlist for the army._

_Don’t tell anyone._

Steve woke up with a start, his eyes wide open. Well, so much for that it was his choice to help out where he could.And just with that, he had a much bigger problem that he had to discuss with Bucky, who would definitely hate this.

_Enlist for the army _it said. It said it every day.

It has said that every day for the past two weeks. He didn’t mind it. He’s been trying to get enlisted for the whole month before that.

”I don’t know why you keep trying” Bucky told him. Steve shrugged, he couldn’t say. He wanted to, he knew it. Or he thought so. He hated his curse for taking away his choices. He wanted to enlist, he had to his entire life, he wanted to help where he could. But now that he was forced to try over and over again, with no choice, it made it hard for him to see whether or not this was all him or not.

”I can’t just sit around and do nothing” Literally.

”I wish you saw how much you’re worth, whether you fight or help back here” Bucky sighed, for what must have been the 5th time this week. It was Tuesday.

_Enlist in the Army_.

He wasn’t allowed to join for the 10th time. Bucky was devastated to find that he had been picked to fight and was about to be shipped out. Steve just couldn’t understand what Bucky was so disappointed about.

He’d learn later, when it was already too late, that is was fear not disappointment. Bucky had been scared.

_Enlist in the army._

He hated it. He wanted to join, do what every men in America was allowed to do, but him. Or at least that’s what it felt like.

_Enlist for army._

He held Bucky crying in his arms that night. His best friend was shaking, gripping his shirt in his arms tightly.

”I’m scared, Stevie,” he whispered honestly in their dark living room. ”The guys we’ll fight, they think they’re the good guys, too.”Steve’s heart ached for his best friend and his sympathy. It had made Bucky’s life harder, always has. He was the best man Steve knew. He wished he was strong. Strong enough to protect Bucky from the world, and all the bad things in it. The bad things he’d be forced to do.

”You’ll be a hero, Buck,” Steve reassured him, not saying that Bucky was that already, no matter if he fought or not.

Bucky shook his head against Steve’s chest, his eyes clenched close. ”I don’t want to die, Steve. I know it’s selfish and I should be thrilled to fight for the greater good, but I - I don’t want to die.”

Steve went still. That was a whole new thing he hadn’t even considered yet. He had been ready to die fighting. His body was so weak, he’d die young anyway and if he could do that but instead of another soldier in the front lines? Then he’d happily do it. But _Bucky_ dying? Steve felt his blood run cold, the next breath got stuck in his throat. He never wanted to live in a world without Bucky in it. ”You won’t,” Steve rushed to say, not knowing if he was trying to reassure himself or his friend, but failing at both.

”You don’t know that,” Bucky said, snuggling his head against Steve’s chest, blinking up at him with heavy eyes. ”It’s a good possibility.”

Steve tried to swallow the lump in his throat away and calm down, just to not make Bucky even more nervous but truth was, Bucky was right. Steve hated that he could totally see the likelihood of it and it didn’t look good for his friend. Bucky was a good man. He was smart as a whip and a talented shooter, Steve knew that. But he also knew that Bucky was the most likely to hesitate. To not take a shot if the target showed any kind of humanity.

Steve tightened his hold on his best friend, not wanting to ever let him go again. What would be left of his life when Bucky wasn’t in it? Who was he when he wasn’t around his best friend?

Bucky didn’t say anything else, falling into a light sleep right atop of Steve, snoring softly and still hard grip on his shirt. Steve played with his short brown hair, wrapping the curls around his fingers, lost in thought.

It was only when it felt like it was physically hurting him to not kiss Bucky’s forehead right then that he felt like he got stricken by his emotions with an intensity of a lighting bold.

He loved him. Deeply.

It was that realisation that made it feel like his whole world folded itself in half. Like when he was driving somewhere far away but then turned one corner and saw a store he recognised. Something familiar, making him feel as if he hasn’t ever left. As if he has never felt any other way but had to actually, actively realise it, to see it for what it was.

It was undeniable and final, honest and dearly, sitting deep in his chest and made his stomach feel like it was trying to tie itself in many little knots.

_Enlist for the army._

_Eat 4 slices of toast._

_Don’t tell anyone._

Realizing he loved Bucky had set a lot different things in motion that he had actually tagged as unmovable objects. So many things he knew, he believed in, left him now questioning. It was as if all he had known to that point had to be overthought now, a secret meaning found behind it.

He _loved_ his best friend. May have for weeks, or years, he didn’t know. He wasn’t loved back, though. Because where he shot long lingering looks at Bucky, the other one was never returning his gaze. When somebody told a joke, Steve was checking first if Bucky laughed, too, because he loved to see it. Loved the wrinkles around his eyes and the slight blush on his face, as if he was sometimes ashamed of how loud his laugh was, but he wasn’t looking back.

James Barnes was a loving guy, gentle and sweet but he would never look back at Steve like he was looking at him.

Steve saw Bucky for what he was and he loved all of it. All of him. It was so easy, too. There wasn’t anything hard about loving Bucky. No, the problem wasn’t loving him. The problem wasn’t even that Bucky didn’t love him back. The problem was that now, with sudden clarity, unfiltered and obvious, Steve remembered so many moments in which he didn’t behave like a best friend would.

_He had a beautiful laughter, _Steve had observed.

_What could be bad in the world then, _he had thought when Bucky was smiling at him, distracting him so much that he has even forgotten about his curse for a moment.

_He was beautiful. _Steve hadn’t even questioned thinking that because to him it had just been a fact. Bucky was breathtakingly gorgeous.

The problem was that he couldn’t risk losing what he might, if Bucky ever found out that Steve sometimes looked at him and saw nothing but the future he wanted to have. Looked at him and saw the man he wanted to kiss in the morning and fuck in the evening. The man he wanted to live with forever, on his side as more than just as a friend.

As far as finding solutions to problems went, Steve has aways been drastic at best. If there was a solution with the most risks, the worst possible outcomes if it wasn’t executed well, then that was the one Steve picked. He wasn’t a fail - safe, step - by - step, plan A - D kind of guy. He liked to resolve his messes the way they were, burning and painful.

Avoiding Bucky could end in their friendship growing distant. Or Bucky could feeling left alone and put aside. Steve could lose the little piece of Bucky that he had been given. He could lose his trust.

Or he could get over his feelings before they made all of the above happen.

_Enlist for the army._

_Pick a fight._

_Don’t tell anyone._

Bucky came home early from work, smiling widely, take out pizza in hand. Brushing him off felt like a stab to the heart. The surprise and pain on Bucky’s face, somehow felt worse.

_Enlist for the army._

_Don’t get caught._

_Lie._

_Don’t tell anyone._

Bucky knocked on his door every other hour, asking him over and over again what it was that was bothering him. Steve didn’t have the words to explain.

_Enlist for the army._

_Don’t go to your room._

_Answer every question honestly._

_Don’t tell anyone._

Steve sighed, looking at the list he wrote of his orders, sitting in his doorway. Well, so much for staying inside his room till he remembered that Bucky’s friendship was more than he could ever ask for and he didn’t need anything more than that. It wasn’t a consultation price. 

Bucky stumbled out of his room, hair a mess and shirtless, an hour after Steve had sat down in front of his room. His curse could tell him no to go in there but it didn’t say anything about how far he had to stay away, so this was his own little rebellion.

”Are you okay?” Were the first words out of Bucky’s mouth and Steve immediately felt worse than he had before. Bucky was a great friend. Considerate, always supportive, commutative, not afraid to be open and honest. He has always given Steve the feeling of being his first priority, never once did something to make Steve as much as question that.

Steve tilted his head up to look at his friend more clearly. Bucky’s eyes, of course, were circled black, as if he was being paid to lose sleep over other people’s problems. He looked so worried, shoulders slumped, one hand rubbing the back of his head, eyes wandering up and down Steve’s body as if he was just looking for clues as to why Steve has been a dick to him for the past couple of days.

Steve wondered whether Bucky could actually figure out the reason, if he just kept on starring at Steve like he was doing a check up on him. Analysing him from posture to bone structure, searching for the one thing that would clue him in.

”No,” Steve answered because it was true and he had done Bucky wrong too many times in the past, he wasn’t going to add lying to the list too. Not that he had a choice in the matter anyway. ”I got rejected again.” It wasn’t the reason why he was so upset and it wasn’t the reason why he had avoided Bucky.

Bucky sighed, sitting down in his own doorway. It looked funny, the way his bulky body folded itself so gracefully, leaning against one side of his doorway, never breaking eye contact with Steve.

Meanwhile, Steve just hoped Bucky would stop with the questions. It was just a matter of time till he asked the question that was the equivalent of a home run, a hole in one, the one drop of water to make the dams break. Because, really, all he needed was one question, and Steve wouldn’t be able to lie to him. He’d have to tell him all about everything, without anything he could do against it. He was a ticking time bomb and Steve wished he could just lock himself in his room, never cross that bridge because he wouldn’t ever come to it, but there was nowhere to hide.

”I don’t get why you keep trying, Stevie,” Bucky repeated. He’s said that exact sentence over and over again, every time he saw Steve trying to get into the army.

Steve leaned his head back against his closed door and shut his eyes. They’ve had this discussion about 17 times in the past few weeks and Steve was not above to die on that hill if he had to. ”Bucky, we talked about this.”

Bucky sighed again, probably staring at Steve intently which was why Steve pressed his eyes shut a bit tighter. ”Doesn’t mean I get it, pal.”

Steve rolled his eyes, gripping his thighs with his hands in frustration. ”Of course, _you_ don’t get it.”

”What is that supposed to mean?” Bucky asked, sounded unsure and wary, as if he didn’t know if he should be insulted or not. Steve just wished he hadn’t asked that.

Steve opened his eyes, starring at his friend. That was the $1.000.000 question after all, wasn’t it? Theoretically, Steve knew the answer to it too. He also knew that Bucky would hate to hear it.

Bucky wouldn’t understand Steve’s stubborn will to enlist. Because he had gotten drafted and he hated it. Because he had everything Steve dreamed to have. Not only about the enlistment, but in everything he was. Bucky was happy and loveably, he knew what he wanted and had the strength to back it up. He was loyal and stood up for what he believed in, but he was still a good man. Not ridden by his emotions, not always angry, not always frustrated. And also, most importantly, because _he wasn’t cursed_. Steve had _no choice _but to enlist, whether or not he wanted to, which he did. But he also couldn’t say that.

Steve took a shallow breath, putting his hands over his chest. He needed to answer honestly but he wasn’t allowed to mention the curse. The next breath hurt on its way in and never came back out. Choking Steve tried to make eye contact with Bucky, his vision too blurry and greyed out to make out more than the vague shape of Bucky running up to him, gripping his shoulders.

Coughing again, Steve grabbed Bucky’s hand panicky. He wanted to answer his question, find a way around to explain the cursed part, so he wouldn’t black out. He hated nothing more than that. He hadn’t blacked out in so long, he totally forgot how much he hated it.

”Bucky,” he pressed out, voice sounding husky. There was a ringing in his ears, high pitched and overpowering, absorbing every sound around him and turning it into white noise.

He might never wake up again, Steve realised when he closed his burning eyes. Not if Bucky carried him to his room, making him disobey the last order he’s had.

_Don’t go to your room._

** _Answer every question honestly_ ** _._

_Apologize._

_Don’t tell anyone._

The burning headache the next morning was the only indicator he got from the day before. Steve rubbed his forehead, blinking his eyes open to grab his notepad before he forgot his orders. He touched nothing but cold concrete next to him, though.

Startled he sat up, getting hit by dizziness immediately. He wasn’t at home, he realised slower than he should have. Steve took a deep breath and looked around. He sat in a little alleyway behind a diner, apparently.

He closed his eyes, blowing out a breath. Great. His life was going absolutely perfect.

Getting home took him over two hours and more contact with absolute strangers than he wanted to have on a day on which he had to answer any question honestly.

”What the absolute hell, Steve.” Was the first thing he heard when he unlocked the front door. Bucky had looked tired yesterday, but he looked like he was about to drop and black out now.

”I’m sorry,” Steve said, not at all because the curse had told him to. He really, honestly was. Steve closed his eyes for a second, trying to feel if this had been what the curse had meant anyway, but the relief of following an order never came. So that wasn’t it then, apparently.

Shit.

”You are _sorry_?” Bucky sounded incredulous. His eyes looked drowsy and clouded, so tired that it seemed like his friend was only able to keep them open by sheer will power and dedication. ”You had an attack and then you just ran out! Do you know how worried I was?”

”Yes, I am,” Steve answered the question honestly. ”No, I don’t. What did I say to you?” He added, knowing that he should apologise again and dish Bucky an explanation that would stop him from being as mad as he was right now, but he had to know first. When he blacked out, his curse made him obey whichever order he had ignored.

Bucky’s eyebrows flew up to his hairline, expression so surprised, it nearly was insulting. As if Bucky had trouble to process that Steve even had the audacity to say something completely off topic right now. ”What?” He asked, sounding a little breathless.

”What did I say to you?” Steve asked again, feeling bad for not being able to say any of the things Bucky obviously wanted to hear from him first. ”Before I left?”

”Did you hit your head?” Bucky asked, sounding more worried than he probably wanted to. Steve sighed, heartbroken.

”No, I didn’t. Buck, please,” he insisted. ”What did I say?”

His friend rubbed with one hand over his eyes, looking for a second as if he really was about to pass out. The tiredness his body radiated was so strong, Steve felt the need to go to sleep just from looking at him. ”I don’t know, okay? You mumbled something about that I wouldn’t understand because I am free.”

Steve frowned for a second, that actually had been a good answer, he gave the curse that. ”Fair enough.”

Bucky pale eyes locked with his for a moment. He was sad, Steve realised startled. The little wrinkle between his eyebrows, the way he bit his bottom lip, Bucky’s always worn his sadness like a noticeable accessory. He’s never been able to hide it. ”Steve, what is going on?”

Steve loved his best friend dearly, in more ways than just one, but he really, really wanted to kick him a little for always asking questions to which the answers could be all or nothing. Questions, that needed pages long explanations. ”A lot,” Steve answered, holding his breath for a second, hoping that the answer would satisfy his curse. It was honest, but a vague truth at best. There was no dizziness in his head or dark spots in his vision. He blew the breath out.

Bucky chuckled a little startled. It was a sad sound, full of worry and dark humor. ”Yeah, I got that,” he said, sounding self deprecating . ”Steve, I don’t know what I did wrong, but please. Please tell me.”

Steve took a little step back at the change of Bucky’s tone. He had been more accusing, before. But of course, he’d figure he’d been the problem all along. Bucky was many things, _good_ at many things too, but he might be the best at turning and twisting everything, till he was the one to blame. There was always a certain kind of guilt that Bucky carried on his shoulders, no matter if he was at fault or not.

”There’s nothing to tell,” Steve dodged instead of answering, feeling himself shrinking in on himself with every passing second.

Bucky’s expression changed through many emotions for the next second, there was sadness, confusion and anger and guilt, but first and foremost, he didn’t look impressed. ”Of course there isn’t,” he scoffed out, crossing his arms over his chest. ”Then tell me that. What are you mad at me for?”

It was a question, but not one that was hard for Steve to answer honestly. ”I’m not mad at you.”

Bucky raised an eyebrow and sighed deeply, distressedly. "That wasn’t what I asked.”

”That was the answer for it, though.” Steve twisted the hem of his shirt around his index finger. He knew that he had to come clean eventually. Bucky was’t stupid, of course he knew that Steve had been hiding out in his room and eventually he’d want to know why. Steve just didn’t look forward to having to have this conversation while he couldn’t lie. Not as answers to questions anyway.

”Steve, cut the bullshit,” Bucky bit out, frowning. ”I haven’t talked to you in days. We _live_ together for crying out loud, I should see you daily. So tell me what I did, so I can fix it. I don’t want to lose you.”

Steve looked down to his feet at Bucky’s last sentence. _Till the end of the line, _he’d promised and yet, here he was, making Bucky look like a man about to be left behind. He hadn’t planned on Bucky being as hurt has he was though and it broke his heart immediately, making him question how his stupid brain had ever even thought that avoiding was a good idea in the first place.

”I have things to figure out. I didn’t mean to avoid you,” Steve said, only a little defensive.

”Yeah maybe you should stop avoiding me, then,” Bucky bit out, sarcastically. And yeah, Steve deserved that. Still, Bucky had always been the calm one outof the two of them and he sounded about done with it now. ”I am having a hard time, too.”

And that was exactly the moment when it hit Steve. Suddenly he knew exactly what he had to apologise for. Before he could, though, Bucky continued, sad and tired expression heartbreakingly locked back in place.

”I know you are avoiding me. You hide things from me. You run out in the middle of the day, without telling me where you go. I’ve spend the whole night searching for you! I thought I’d find you dead in some alleyway, Steve.” Bucky took a shattering breath, voice breaking slightly. Steve felt worse with every new syllable. ”And you are _enlisting, _over and over again. How am I supposed to look out for you then? You mean _everything_ to me. Do you ever stop and think how that makes me feel? I’ll be shipped out this Monday. How am I supposed to not freak out even more out there, if I can’t be certain you’ll be here when I come back? Damn it, Stevie.”

Steve gaped up at his best friend. He saw it all, then. Saw the lingering gazes Bucky looked at him with, the little smiles tucked around his mouth while Steve was ranting, the way he promised to always be by Steve’s side.

”You won’t be able to look out for me there. I don’t. I don’t know,” Steve answered Bucky’s questions first, before seeking eye contact again. “I’m sorry you are feeling bad and I wasn’t here to help,” Steve stated, feeling lighter. It wasn’t important, though. Steve took a cautious step closer to his best friend, putting a hand on his cheek carefully. There was a slight blush around Bucky’s sharp cheekbones. Steve rubbed with his thumb over it, as if he could brush it away.

”You love me,” Steve whispered, not quite grasping what he was saying himself. It felt unreal to even think, let alone say it out loud. But it wasn’t just a lucky guess or a question, not anymore anyway. Steve knew.

Bucky’s eyes widened startled, jumping from Steve’s left eye to his right one, like he didn’t know where he was supposed to look but couldn’t keep his gaze away from Steve. For a second he wondered whether Bucky would try and deny it. There was a long silence between them, neither daring to deny or confirm anything further, as if everything around them would grumble up and fall to pieces the second they said something. Like it’d make it all the more real.

Then Bucky’s shoulders slumped down, his arms falling away from where they’ve been crossed over his chest. ”Of course I do, Stevie,” he whispered back, leaning into Steve’s touch.

Steve felt a bright, wide, honest smile spread on his face. He couldn’t recall over feeling this happy before. ”I love you, too.”

The breath Bucky blew out at that was filled with all the tension that had been built up between them. Bucky was smiling too. Careful, a little smile, showing that he was just as happy as Steve felt. ”You do?” He asked as if he didn’t want to quite dare to believe it.

”Of course I do, Buck,” Steve answered with conviction. Answering a question has never been more easy.

Bucky’s eyes fell shut, his mouth slightly open. Steve wondered if he had just felt a weight drop off his shoulders, like he so often did when he obeyed. His friend’s shoulders lost the tension in them, as if he just finally let his guard down, daring to believe that this might be true. The kind of tension you lose when something works your way. When you are loved back.

When Bucky opened his eyes again, his pupils were slightly widened. He looked Steve up and down, a smile so soft playing around his lips, so pure and just happy, Steve couldn’t help but lean in slightly. It felt weird to be this close to Bucky, for only a second. His best friend hadn’t been someone Steve thought he’d ever get the chance to kiss, but now, with Bucky leaning in too, it all came raining down on him. How real it was. How _lucky_ he was.

Bucky’s lips were as soft as his smile, his kiss was harder, though. More experienced than Steve was when he reciprocated, but he didn’t seem bothered by it. Bucky pulled away, smiling down at him and then pulled him right back. Steve got up on his tiptoes, bringing his arms around Bucky’s shoulders, pressing his whole body against him. Bucky groaned slightly, putting his hands on Steve’s hips, holding him. The kiss grew more heated by the second, Steve feeling slightly dizzy from all the emotions flooding him and he couldn’t feel happier about it. It wasn’t the consuming dizziness from the curse, it was soft, the only thing keeping him grounded while everything else ofhim was feeling like he might fly away. He felt so soft and easy, happiness so raw inside him, it pushed every other thought right out of his head.

He made a disappointed noise when Bucky pulled away, causing Bucky to chuckle. Steve leaned right back in, but Bucky laid on of his fingers on Steve’s lips, stopping him. Steve cocked his head to the side, searching eye contact with his friend. ”What is it?” He asked, his voice husky.

Bucky shock his head slightly and pulled his hand back and ran it through his hair. There was a slight blush on his cheeks and Steve swore he has never seen anything more beautiful in his life.

”You are sure about it, right?”

Steve frowned up, framing Bucky’s face in between his hands. ”Of course I am,” he said, conviction heavy in his voice.

Bucky blew out another breath and put his hands atop Steve’s, closing his eyes. ”I’m sorry, I just can’t believe this really is happening. I don’t want you to regret it later.”

These words were something Steve hadn’t even considered to ever come true, it made him fall silent in shock for a moment. ”How could I ever regret this, Buck?” He asked softly, tracing Bucky’s cheekbone with his finger. ”You mean everything to me, too.”

Bucky’s smile always seemed to hit Steve deep, making him feel warm on the inside. He couldn’t help but smile right back. He didn’t stop Steve from kissing him again after that.

The way to the bedroom was nothing more than a blurred memory for Steve by the time he hit the bed, Bucky above him, kissing him again. Steve reached down with certain finger’s unbuckling Bucky’s pants.

”No regrets, I promise,” Steve whispered huskily, reaching inside Bucky’s pants. ”Till the end of the line, I meant it.”

Bucky groaned and then nodded. ”Till the end of the line.”

_Leave immediately._

_Don’t communicate with James Buchanan Barnes._

_Enlist to the army._

_Talk to Dr. Erskine._

_Take part in the project Rebirth._

_Don’t tell anyone._


	2. Chapter 2

_Leave immediately._

_Don’t communicate with James Buchanan Barnes._

_Enlist to the army._

_Talk to Dr. Erskine._

_Take part in the project Rebirth._

_Don’t tell anyone._

Steve sat up hurriedly, his brain immediately on full alert. No, that couldn’t be happening. Steve looked to Bucky who was still in deep sleep next to him. The blanket was rolled around his hips, leaving his bare chest on display, slowly rising and sinking. He looked so happy and peaceful, Steve couldn’t help but smile while brushing a strand of his hair back.

The next second, there was a stabbing pain in his head, leaving a dull ache that grew stronger and stronger. Steve pulled his hand back and put it against his temples. He wouldn’t do it.

He felt his vision fall dark our around the edges and with the darkness came also the realisation that he couldn’t let the curse take over his body. He might hurt Bucky. Tell him he has never loved him. Tell him that he regretted it after all.

Steve got up quickly, pulled his pants on, keeping his eyes on Bucky the entire time. He couldn’t even leave a note, he noticed. He wasn’t allowed to communicate with his friend at all. Steve ran his hand through his hair, taking deep breaths. He ran out of the house, looking back over his shoulder constantly. He didn’t want to leave. He had no choice. He had blacked out on Bucky the day before yesterday, he couldn’t risk it again.

Outside he leaned against the wall of their building, putting his head in his hands. It was gonna be alright. Tomorrow, he would go and talk to Bucky. He’d find an excuse, Bucky would laugh and kiss him again and they would be just fine.

Steve nodded to himself and then frowned, trying to remember the rest of the things he had to today. He was supposed to talk to somebody but he couldn’t remember the name anymore. He didn’t recognise it, he had no idea who that person was. He was also supposed to take part in — what? Rebirth? Steve blew out a breath, just wanting to crawl back into bed to Bucky, lying his head on his chest and just listen to his heartbeat.

He sighed and went to go and try to get enlisted, hoping that the name would come back to him but he wouldn’t hold his breath.

Steve looked down to the enlistment form in front of him, tapping his pencil against his lips. He wondered with how many lies he could get away this time. He hadn’t been caught yet and it caused him to lie more and more preposterously. There wasn’t anything he could do against the actual issue; his appearance. Steve bit down on the pencil, his mind not focused at all. It was a quarter to twelve, Bucky must be awake by now. Maybe he’d just noticed that Steve was gone, the bed long cold, no note or other message to be found. Steve bit down on the pencil harder and got up in a fast movement, walking to the front desk.

Steve faintly recognised the man on the desk. He was growing careless, he realised. He’d go to prison if they found out that he lied on the forms but today he didn’t feel like searching for another place to enlist and went to the same one he’s been to before.

”Rogers, Steven,” Steve said as the man in front of him went out of the way, his form spotting a bold A.

The man on the desk didn’t look up, just read through Steve’s form, frown building up with every line he read. There was only so much Steve could change about his laundry list of health issues. Reading the last sentence, the man shook his head silently, before blinking up at him.

The man looked Steve up and down. Steve felt his blood run cold. ”I’ve seen you here before.”

”I’m sure you are mistaking me for someone,” Steve rushed to say, already reading himself to run away if he needed to. He couldn’t run really fast but he was small enough to be able to hide easily, if it came down to it.

”Pretty sure I am not.” The man didn’t take his eyes off of Steve. His voice grew cooler, his eyes clenching.

Steve swallowed, looked around if anyone was paying attention to them and then leaned closer to the man. ”I have to try,” he said, urgently.

”It’s illegal to lie on your enlistment form,” the man answered, matter of factly, his frown never disappearing. ”And even with the lies, it’s a no.”

Steve sighed silently, biting his teeth together. ”Just give me a chance,” he insisted, becoming more confident. Or maybe just more desperate.

”There is nothing I can do,” The man said, looking actually sorry for a second. ”Your asthma alone is a reason to bench you.”

”Just one chance. I know how to fight.”

”I am sure you do,” the man said, nothing offensive in his tone but Steve knew an insult when he heard it.

Biting his anger down, Steve put his hands on the desk, leaning on them. ”Please. I have no right to do any less than the men you draft in every day. Some not even by choice. You are forcing men to fight, but I _want_ to help.”

The man shook his head again. ”Be grateful that I don’t call in that you tried to lie your way in and don’t come back here. There is work for men like you, here. You can do your part, but not on the front lines, buddy.”

Steve huffed out a breath and opened his mouth to argue, pushing his luck further than he probably should, when somebody laid a hand on his shoulder.

For a second Steve froze, worried it might be Bucky. He would have to completely ignore him and for that he wouldn’t find an excuse so easily tomorrow. 

When he turned, though, he saw an elder man with round glasses, looking at him calculatingly.

”What’s your name?” He asked once he had Steve’s attention.

Steve bit his bottom lip, not sure he should give anyone his name, with him just committing a felony and all. He stayed silent for a second but when the man squeezed his shoulder once more, Steve answered him a bit defiantly. ”Steve Rogers. Why?” And immediately he felt lighter. Steve frowned at himself in question.

”I am Dr. Erskine.” Steve nodded at that, that explained to light feeling. ”And I think I have something that might interest you.”

The other question about what the hell he was supposed to participate in got answered then. As did the question of whether or not he should do it. Steve was convinced that he would have either way, but he didn’t have much of a choice anyway.

Dr. Erskine sat down next to him, a small smile playing around his lips. ”You would be the first one to participate. There are no guarantees, no medical history to go by.”

Steve nodded. Erskine had repeated that over and over again, as though he was feeling bad about sending Steve in without even knowing if it worked. It was dangerous, Steve knew that. It was also his only chance, it seemed. ”I know,” Steve assured yet again. ”I want to help. I want to do it.”

The doctor looked at him for a moment, trying to figure out if he really wanted to be responsible if this failed and Steve would die. The chances for that were high. Steve wasn’t afraid, though. ”We can go tomorrow. You’ll be training in Camp Lehig prior to the treatment to make you familiar with weapons and fight techniques.”

Steve froze from where he was already about to start to nod again. ”Tomorrow?” He asked, already knowing that his answer would be no then. He didn’t really have a choice but there was no chance, no army, no war, no _curse_ that could make Steve let Bucky ship out thinking Steve regretted sleeping with him.

”Yes. We want to get started on the project as quickly as possible. Why? Is that a problem?”

Steve cracked the bone in his pointer finger, looking in Dr. Erskine’s eyes. He saw his reflection in his glasses and tried to stop looking as desperate as he apparently did. He swallowed against the lump in his throat before he answered. ”Yes, it is a problem. I can’t go tomorrow. I need to talk to my friend first.”

Dr. Erskine frowned at him, disbelieving. ”You have to talk to a friend first?”

”I can’t just leave,” Steve insisted, already trying to find a way to both talk to Bucky and participate in the project without the curse all but ripping him in half.

”Then talk to him now.”

Steve couldn’t find words to explain how mad the curse made him. It wouldn’t be a problem to talk to Bucky today, for no-one but him. Actually, without this damn list, he’d still lie in bed next to Bucky, probably making jokes about the noise Bucky made when he came, or something. He had no idea, because he didn’t get the chance to do so.

”I can’t. I owe him an apology and I want to give him time to cool off first,” Steve explained, lie rolling off his tongue easily. They always did, when the curse didn’t prohibit him from lying that was.

Dr. Erskine didn’t look at him like he thought Steve was going crazy. He had the little smile back on his face, a much warmer expression than Steve deserved, probably. ”A good man,” he said, stressing every syllable. ”Monday then.”

Getting back home was actually a lot harder than Steve had anticipated. He had to find a way inside where he wouldn’t run into Bucky and then go to sleep as quickly as possible so that he would get his new list and finally explain himself to his friend.

Steve waited outside their building till 2 am, when he saw the light in Bucky’s room turn off. Carefully, he stepped up the stairs to the fire exit and then let himself in through the living room window. Heart pounding in his chest, he listened to the silent apartment, only daring to move when he didn’t hear anything other than snoring from Bucky’s room.

His bed was cold and lonely, Steve realised when his head hit the pillow. It took him another 3 hours to fall asleep, his head not shutting up about Bucky and what their future might bring. What _his_ future might bring. Project Rebirth was a high risk and it scared him that he was _not_ afraid of the very high possibility that he’d die participating. He thought it might be the curse. There had to be a reason that he had to take part in it. It wouldn’t make him join the project if he just died trying. Then again, when did the curse ever make sense? There was no meaning in him not wearing red for a day or buying pears. There was also nothing but cruelness in having him not talk to Bucky on the day after he has finally admitted his feelings to his best friend.

Steve hasn’t slept this troubled in a long time.

_Don’t apologise._

_Lie._

_Don’t tell anyone._

Steve didn’t even have the chance to get angry about the list because he got woken up by Bucky bursting into his room. He looked bad. Steve has never thought this about Bucky and the trueness of it shocked him for a second. Bucky looked devastated, he always seemed to in the past few weeks. But his defiance was gone. There was more sadness now, though.

”I knew I heard you sneak in last night,” Bucky said, looking past Steve. Not by much, he must still see him in the corners of his eyes, but it was just enough that Steve noticed it.

”You did?” Steve asked, not able to think of a lie as answer fast enough this early.

Bucky nodded slowly, still staring past him, unblinking. ”Where were you?”

It was small talk. Bucky always did that when he didn’t have the words to explain how he felt just yet. Steve had only rarely been the one he had the small talk with though. Bucky’s once told him that he has never felt more comfortable talking to anyone than Steve. He’d said that it was just easy to talk to him. It felt weird to have lost that, even though Steve knew why. He just didn’t know how to fix it, yet.

He wanted to say he was sorry, so badly he ached for it. But just thinking about it made him nauseous.

”Grocery Shopping,” Steve lied, knowing that Bucky wouldn’t buy it for even a second before he even said so. Steve had went out without money, stayed out all day long, and hasn’t brought any groceries back with him. Bucky huffed only, though, not even calling him out. Somehow, that made it worse.

Steve wished Bucky hadn’t woken him up. He didn’t have a strategy yet of how to explain things to Bucky without disobeying. He just needed a minute to think and he could clear it up, he knew it.

Bucky’s eyes were slightly red rimmed and had dark circles all around them. For a second Steve wished he had never looked right at him. Bucky was heartbroken and Steve didn’t even have the possibility to apologise to him.

”Buck-” Steve added, suddenly in a rush to fix this. He had no idea how but he knew that Bucky looking this devastated wasn’t acceptable. They were supposed to be in the honeymoon phase of their relationship right now, damnit. They were supposed to not leave the bed for the whole weekend, ignoring that Bucky had to leave on Monday. They were supposed to not wear cloths for 3 days straight. They were supposed to be _happy_. It was all Steve ever wanted, to know that Bucky was happy.

”You told me you loved me,” Bucky interrupted him, matter of factly, giving up on his small talk. His voice had the slightest waver in it and Steve has never felt worse about the curse. Bucky had never been supposed to suffer for it.

”Buck,” Steve repeated because he couldn’t say anything other than that. There was no lie that would have been a good answer.

Bucky shock his head, holding his forefinger up. Steve closed his mouth immediately, brain running a mile a minute to find a good explanation.

_I got cold feet_ \- it would be a lie but Bucky might never feel secure around him anymore.

_I got called into work -_ also a good lie but Bucky would know that it wasn’t true.

”You said you wouldn’t regret it,” Bucky added, his eyes shinning brightly in the morning sun that came flooding in through Steve’s window. He was still beautiful even though he looked worn out and bone tired.

”And I don’t regret a thing about it,” Steve said, happy that he found a lie so quickly. He _did_ regret that he’s had to leave, which was not quite what Bucky meant but as far as the curse would let Steve go.

Bucky’s shoulders slumped down, making him look weirdly small in the doorway, before stepping a few more cautious steps into Steve’s room. ”So why did you run?”

Now, that was a good question.

”Because . . .,” Steve stopped himself quickly, trying to find the perfect lie that wouldn’t hurt Bucky’s feelings and wouldn’t be able to be traced back as untrue.

Bucky looked at him, one eyebrow raised. Steven knew that look. He was pretending like he wasn’t hurt. ”Are you really thinking of a lie right now?”

Now that was an easy one. ”No!” Steve lied and went back to search for a lie that would defuse this bomb of a situation and somehow end with Bucky back in bed with him.

”Steve just tell me!” Bucky was running out of patience. Steve did too. Bucky deserved an apology and the truth, not some bullshit lie that was gonna make both of them feel bad. But Steve only had today. Steve felt a cold shiver run down his back thinking about how Bucky would be gone tomorrow. He might _die_ and right now he thought that Steve had regrets about the best thing that has ever happened to him.

”Buck,” Steve started, determined to finally find out what would happen if he disobeyed an direct order. And if it ripped him in half, it would have been worth it.

”Stop. Stop saying my name like that, tell me what’s going on,” Bucky sounded sad. Steve hated it.

”It’s complicated.” Steve couldn’t believe this was a lie. This was the most complicated thing he has ever had to live through. But he figured it actually was quite easy, when thinking about it. All he had to say was that he was cursed. He couldn’t, of course, but all in all, it really was an easy thing. In theory.

”That’s not an answer,” Bucky called out, sounding more distressed by the second and Steve understood it. He felt worse and worse with every word he couldn’t say, too. ”Steve, you told me you _loved_ me.”

Steve felt his heart break. He didn’t know he could even feel guilt this heavy and intense, but he did. It filled every vein in his body, making him shiver. He has never felt more devastated. He wanted to reach out and comfort Bucky, touch him, pull him close and tell him that he was loved. That Steve could never regret something like that. That he had many regrets, but Bucky wouldn’t ever be one of them.

”And then you left me. Tell me why,” Bucky demanded, voice sounding thin. He looked furious and hurt and like he couldn’t quite choose if he wanted to yell at Steve or demand an apology or cry.

”I don’t think I can,” Steve said carefully, hating himself more and more with every syllable that passed his lips. It was a lie, he _knew_ he couldn’t tell Bucky.

Bucky gaped at him, his face falling dangerously blank. ”You,” he started and then cleared his throat. "You can’t tell me?”

Steve took a deep breath, trying to find a way to fix it, right this second. ”Look,” he started and then paused for a moment to think.

Bucky took a step back, still staring at him in shock, before he paled further. ”No. Don’t lie to me. Just —forget about it. It seems like that’s what you wanted to do anyway.”

Before Steve could answer, tell him to stay and wait, hang on his arms and pulled him back if that was what he’d have to do, Bucky all but ran to the door, stopping in the doorway, though. ”You could have just said that you are regretting it, you know,” Bucky said silently, his voice suddenly sounding hollow and strained. ”I knew it was too good to be true, anyway. You could have just said no. From the start. Or did you —” Bucky turned back around looking at him with a long searching gaze.”I was just that easy, huh?”

”You weren’t easy!” Steve called out, finally getting up too.

Bucky only laughed in a self deprecating way. ”Oh, I was _so_ easy. I believed everything you told me, about how you loved me, how you would never leave me. But why, Steve? Why would you do that to me? To shut me up? So I wouldn’t question you anymore?" Bucky’s eyes glimmered with more than the sunlight now and Steve felt his heart ache for him. He had seen Bucky cry too many times already and he’d never wanted to be the reason for it. ”Why would you just leave me?”

Steve swallowed against the lump in his throat, walking up to Bucky, but stopped when the other man flinched back. “Buck -“ He said for what felt like the 50th time, but he couldn’t help it. He wanted him to _listen_. He wanted to apologise. He wanted to make it all better but he didn’t know how to. If they could just waited till tomorrow, maybe he’d have a better list then and could finally make Bucky understand, but they couldn’t. They’d both be gone by tomorrow.

“No. No matter what excuse you have, or what reason; cold feet, regrets, whatever it is. How could you just leave me?” There was a tear rolling down Bucky’s cheek and suddenly breathing felt like an impossible task. Bucky didn’t even make the effort to wipe it away, he just left it there, rolling down over his cheekbone to his chin, and Steve felt worse about it the longer he looked at it. Bucky just looked disbelieving as if he was just realising something awful. ”We were always able to talk about anything, talk everything over, have the hard and honest conversations and yet- you just got up and left me, Steve.” There was a second tear joining the first as Bucky looked away, shaking his head, sniffling slightly. "You left _me.”_

Steve shock his head, and kept doing so, as if Bucky would understand what he couldn’t say out loud if he just never stopped shaking his head. ”I think it’s not what you think it is.”

”So what is it then, Stevie?” The nickname made Steve stop in his tracks. He loved him so much, he remembered yet again. So much, but he couldn’t tell him.

”Fuck,” Bucky added when Steve had been too lost in thoughts to answer him. ”You really don’t have an explanation, do you?” He laughed again, in this ugly self conscious, disbelievingly sad way. ”I was ready to believe anything, you know? You could have dished out anything and I would have accepted it. I just really hoped it wasn’t true. That you didn’t love me and then stopped. Or that you never loved me to begin with. Pretty stupid, huh?”

”I have always loved you,” Steve said, meaning it even though it wasn’t the full truth. Of course he hadn’t loved Bucky when he didn’t know him, but that worked in his favor now.

”Steve,” Bucky said, voice harder than before. Bucky was closing up, building up his walls, Steve noticed. ”Stop it. It is okay. I don’t want you to keep lying to me, okay? Today is my last day here.”

Steve bit his teeth together. This was slipping away from him, like all great things in his life seemed to and he couldn’t let it. He couldn’t let Bucky go to war, terrified and convinced that Steve didn’t love him.

”No, Bucky, hear me out.”

”Don’t,” Bucky interrupted him quickly. He was smiling at Steve again. A broken little attempt at a smile. ”I don’t want to hear anything else about it, not today, okay? Could you do me this favor, please?”

Steve was ready to fight this. Tell Bucky that he _had _to hear him out, that what he had to say was important, but Bucky’s eyes still shinned with unshed tears and his expression was so hopeless, Steve felt all his excuses get stuck in his throat. ”Okay. This isn’t what it looks like, but okay. We’ll talk about it later today.”

”If all goes well,” Bucky shrugged, looking unsure but then took a deep breath and walked over to lean against Steve’s dresser. Normally, he would have just sat down on Steve’s bed, but he understood why Bucky didn’t want to do that right now. ”I’ll be back here in 6 months to a year, tops. Maybe in time for Christmas. If you didn’t burn down the apartment by then, that is.”

”I am a better cook than you and you know it,” Steve argued half heartedly, just keeping staring at Bucky as if he hoped he’d understand how much Steve loved him, with every cell in his body, every fibre of his being, if he just kept on starring.

_Dear Bucky,_

_I know you have just left and probably aren’t even allowed to receive letters yet, but I had to write you. You left before I had the chance to even say prober goodbyes so I had to tell you how much of a punk you are in written form._

_The apartment is quiet without you. Smells better, though, without your burned food stink in every corner. The whole city seems quieter without you, too, but maybe that’s just me._

_I didn’t have the guts to tell you this before you left, but I think I don’t really have a choice now. I am too about to be shipped out. I shortly had entertained the hope of maybe ending up in the same camp as you, just imagine the surprise on your face if you were to see me there, but it seemed as if the experiments are stored elsewhere. I know already that you would disagree with me joking about this, I can see the frown you are making right now from all these miles away._

_I got picked for an experiment called Rebirth. I am not allowed to say much about it but that has never stopped me before, not when it came to you anyway. It is some mixture of science and magic and is supposed to make me the perfect soldier, can you believe it? You may not have to finish the fights I started anymore when you get back, I might be able to do so myself then._

_I am not worried about me, to be honest. But you are, I know. I promise you, Buck, I will be careful. I will get through this and then I will fight to protect this country, so you can return home and won’t ever be forced to leave again. No good men, such as your dad, will have to die for this again._

_I know you call me a Punk right now. You think I am biting off more than I can chew but that’s not what it is. I have a good feeling about this._

_I hope you are save, Buck. Don’t win the war till I get there, okay?_

_I am deeply sorry._

_Yours truly,_

_Steve._

_Dear Bucky,_

_I’ve been part of the training exercises here and I have to say, I can’t even imagine how many more muscles you’ll have put on when you come back home. I hope you are doing okay and finally put that impeccable aim of yours to better use than to beat my ass at darts._

_I spoke to Brock. Yeah man, it’s crazy but he actually got shipped to the same camp I am at. He couldn’t even believe his eyes, seeing me there. He looked so shocked, I thought he might pass out. He is a good fighter, did you know that? No hesitation in any of his punches, he cuts through the exercises as if he can’t feel pain at all. Nearly lost an eye today, too, didn’t even flinch, I swear._

_There’s a woman here, I didn’t even know that was allowed but don’t let her hear me say that, she’d punch my eyes out too. Her name’s Peggy and she kicked Rumlow’s ass today as if she was determined to find out if he really couldn’t feel pain or just acted like it. He laughed it off afterwards but I swear he looked about ready to crawl back home to his mother._

_I wonder how Mrs. Rumlow is doing, thinking about it. Remember how we’ve eaten so much of her apple pie, we both ended up getting sick? We hugged the toilet all night long. I would do it again. Just thinking of her apple pie makes my mouth water, Buck, all they feed us here is corn and soup; it’s so bad it makes me miss your burned dinners. I hope you have better food but I doubt it._

_Rebirth is set to take place two weeks from now. I am excited with nerves, to be honest. I am not scared of it, still not, but I also just want to get it over with. I am coming for you, Buck._

_I am deeply sorry._

_Steve._

_Dear Bucky,_

_I hope you are alright. I also hope that you are receiving my letters and are just too lazy to get off your ass, I am not accepting any other reason for your lack of responses. All jokes aside, I really hope you are okay. I have tried to talk to Director Phillips and asked for information about your placement and status but he’d only told me that it would take days to find the right James in the sea of people with your name. Hate to break it to you, but your name really ain’t unique, bud._

_Rebirth is gonna take place tomorrow and honestly, I am excited more than anything. Peggy’s told me I am an idiot for not worrying more about my own well being, she sounded just like you. You two would get along great, I just know it. I hope you two can meet some day._

_I met another man, his name is Howard Stark, he reminds me of you too. But maybe I just miss you enough; I see you everywhere I go. He is too smart for his own good, though, and such a flirt. I am blushing whenever I hear him talk to a woman, I swear. He is shameless. Maybe too much so, though. But he is a good person and the engineer of Rebirth so I have no choice but to trust him, I guess._

_They told me today that there are gonna be 8 needles that’ll inject some kind of serum into my veins and then I am good to win a war. Or at least that’s what we are hoping for. In all seriousness though, Buck, if I survive it, I will be more than just strong. I will be healthy, too. I will be able to actually work at home. We’ll be able to move somewhere bigger, have a good life. I promise you, I’ll be there and I hope you won’t miss out on that either. Healthy or not, don’t forget our deal, Buck, you are not allowed to die before I do._

_Till the end of the line, right?_

_I am deeply sorry. I mean it. When I come back, I will explain it all to you. I have meant every word I said that night, you know that by now, don’t you?_

_Steve._

_Take part in Project Rebirth._

_Steal the formula._

_Don’t tell anyone._

Steve rubbed his eyes, groaning. This couldn’t mean anything good. For a moment he thought about whether or not to use his few minutes before Peggy and Howard were gonna pick him up to write another letter to Bucky. He’s never gotten one back, but he knew that that didn’t have to mean anything. That’s what he told himself, at least. He’d go crazy if he actually took the time to think about what else it could mean. Bucky was alright. He had to be.

Steve sat up and put his shirt on, before giving in and sitting down on his little make shift night stand - desk.

_Dear Bucky, _He wrote and then sat back, hesitating. These might be the last words he’d ever say to Bucky. He’d spend weeks making himself believe that the curse had a plan for him thus wouldn’t let him walk into his certain death, but what if. What if he took part in the project and never opened his eyes again. If he ended up as nothing other than test suspect number 1, deceased.

_I am not scared. I try not to be, anyway. I am not stupid, I know what could happen. Either way, no matter what happens, I hope you know that I was fine with it. I wanted to help where I could and if it is so another man doesn’t have to die in Rebirth, then so be it. What I am more worried about, is you, Buck. I know that you probably don’t have time to write back but it’s my job to worry about you, too, you know. Anyway, I am sorry if I don’t survive this project. I am also sorry that I enlisted over and over again, even though I knew it made you worry sick. I did wrong by you many times and I know that, Buck, believe me. And I will make up for it when we are both back home, okay? I promise it to you._

_You are my whole world, you remember that, don’t you? When I close my eyes when they inject the serum, I’ll see your face behind my eyelids. I’ll dream about you, I always do._

_I don’t really worry that I won’t ever open my eyes again after that, I am stubborn like that and who knows that better than you do, Buck?_

_Thank you for everything._

_Steve._

Steve put his pencil down and folded the letter together without reading it again. It’d feel too real if he actually read it again. Everything he spend so much time to tuck away, in the darkest corner of his mind, would all come back. The fact that Bucky probably hated him, if he was still alive. That he might die. That he had no idea what he’d be forced to do if he didn’t. He might never be allowed to go back home ever again.

He stood up, shaking his head, leaving his tent. There was no way out of it now.

Howard Stark looked ridiculous with his goggles, grinning at Steve while pressing different buttons on one of the 15 big machineries in the room. Steve took a long look around. It looked like a torture chamber and he didn’t appreciate noticing that.

”This is gonna hurt, isn’t it?” Steve asked over his shoulder, no-one in specific.

”Like an absolute bitch,” Howard answered him and then got hit on the back of the head with a folder by Peggy.

”Oh, stop it,” she scolded and then walked up to Steve, smiling softly at him. ”If there is anyone who’ll be able to take it, it’s you.” She sounded convinced, too. Steve smiled back, appreciating the reassurance even though he knew that Peggy was only being nice and also not denying that it was gonna hurt.

”Don’t listen to either of them,” Dr. Erskine said softly, jogging slowly up to him too. ”It’s gonna be over before you know it."

”His life or -” Howard said and got hit by Peggy again immediately. ”I’m kidding, damn.”

”Don’t even joke about that, Stark,” she said, never taking her eyes off of Steve. Steve only smiled at her again, wishing Bucky was here to take his nerves away. Bucky would make jokes too and then tell Steve what an asshole he was for always finding new ways to worry the hell out of him.

It hurt like an absolute bitch. It was as if there was fire directly injected into his veins, burning them up inch by inch, the more it spread. Steve was sure that he wouldn’t have any skin on him when he got out. He felt his bones grow, shooting through his body, ripping his skin open. He was sure he yelled out in pain, but could barely remember anything, certain he’d passed out. And then it was all gone. His body just went numb, every muscle giving out. Steve only remembered tumbling out of the tube vaguely, into Howard’s arms.

When he blinked a few times, though, he felt more awake than ever before in his life. He took a deep breath and then another one right after, because he _could. _He felt like he has never breathed before in his life. And then it stopped. His next breath got stuck in his throat again, his vision began to become cloudy. For a second Steve wondered if the project had failed. If he’d just collapse and never breathe again, but then he remembered.

_Steal the formula_, the curse has told him. This couldn’t end well. Steve opened his eyes, walking past Howard, Peggy and Dr. Erskine, who were all looking up at him worriedly. It was so strange, to have them look _up_ at him. He was so _tall,_ he realised. He could look easily over Peggy, who reached only to his shoulder now.   
  
”How are you feeling?” She asked, laying a hand on his arm. Steve looked down to it confused. Her hand looked tiny compared to his biceps. He had _muscles_, now. Steve flexed his arms shortly, before realising how much of an asshole that made him seem.

”Taller,” he said, looking around till his eyes found the blue bottles still hooked on the machine in the distance. His eyesight was _perfect_. The curse was the only thing making it hard to see. ”Bigger.”

Peggy laughed, slight excited blush on her cheeks. ”You look taller.”

Steve nodded and then stumbled to the bottles of formula, taking one.

”What are you doing?” Dr. Erskine came up to him, frowning slightly but still grinning proudly.

”This is part of me now, huh?” Steve asked, starring down at the bottle in his hands. It looked so tiny in them, now. His hands were huge. Bucky was gonna lose his shit.

”Technically,” the doctor said, frown disappearing. ”How do you feel?”

Steve put the bottle into the pocket of his pants which either nobody noticed or nobody dared to to call him on. ”I feel good, actually. No pain.”

”If something about that changes, you tell me, yes? Take a day to come to terms with it all and no matter what come to me first?”

Steve nodded again and then turned to leave, Howard by his side. It was weird to know that he had made it. It hadn’t killed him and now? He had no idea what to do.

”And Steve?” Erskine called from behind him, when Steve was trying to find his balance to walk in a straight line with his new body. ”Try and not let the formula fall into the wrong hands, okay?”

Steve turned slightly, making eye contact with the doctor. ”I won’t let it.” He hoped at least. He didn’t really have a choice, but he couldn’t exactly tell him that either. In truth, he was terrified of what the curse may make him do with it.

”Jo, bro.” Brock jogged up to him, his eyes huge, looking him up and down over and over again. ”Is it really you, Steve?”

Steve stopped, trying to not let it show how impressed he was by the fact that he still wasn’t out of breath. He’s walked the whole way back to camp and didn’t even have a muscle ache or cramp. ”The one and only.”

Brock was a bit smaller than him now, Steve noticed and couldn’t quite leave the smug grin off his face after that. His friend clapped him on the back, laughing. ”Barnes is gonna kill you for that, you know? What did he say about it all anyway?”

Steve rubbed his neck self consciously, looking anywhere but Brock. ”I’m not even sure if he even knows about this."

Brock’s mouth fell open slightly, starring at him incredulously for a second. ”You are shitting me. I thought you two tell each other everything?”

Taking a deep breath, Steve sat down on one of the chairs outside of his tent. ”We do. He was shipped out though, I could only tell him through letters and he has yet to respond, so -”

His friend sat down next to him, never talking his eyes off of him. ”I’m sure he is alright. In a few days he’ll march here himself and yell at you, I am sure of it."

Steve huffed out a little laugh despite himself. ”I hope you are right, man.”

”I always am,” Brock grinned and then looked him up and down slowly one more time. ”So, other topic. Did all of you grow?”

Steve cocked his head to the side and then holding out the palms of his hands. ”Yes, look. I don’t even know if I can draw with these.”

Brock looked at his hands in confusion and then laid back his head in a loud laugh. ”No, you idiot. I mean, _everything?”_

Steve pulled his eyebrows together in confusion for a moment before the penny dropped. ”Oh. _Oh_, you mean - Brock!”

”What?” His friend laughed, punching his shoulder. ”Can you mind me asking? I’m sure I’m not the only one wondering.”

”You can’t just _asked_ that.”

”Oh, don’t be prude. You can’t play the blushing virgin now, not after you and Barnes-” Brock clapped his hand over his mouth and then just kept on looking somewhere else. ”Honestly, I was just wondering.”

Steve pulled his eyebrows together, suddenly feeling incredibly uneasy. ”After Bucky and I what? How do you know about that?”

Brock sighed and then looked at him again. ”Bucky told me,” he said slowly. He was lying, Steve thought. He couldn’t tell why he was so convinced of it, but he was. He had no proof of it, other than that he knew that Bucky would firstly, rather talk to Sam than Brock and secondly would never talk about something like that with anyone before he discussed it with Steve.

”So what are you gonna do the rest of the day?” Brock asked, before Steve could mouth his doubts, though.

”I actually have something to take care of,” he answered, vaguely, still feeling really wrong footed.

The camp was quiet after night fall. The training was hard on the men here and there wasn’t much more to do than a few drinks in the evening before all of them went in their tents for an early night.

Steve walked slowly over the camp, listening to them snore and turn in their beds. It was the most peaceful time here. He reached the little lake half a mile from the camp quickly, looking over his shoulder the whole time. He didn’t know why, but he felt as if he was being followed the whole way.

The moon was half full and hidden behind a few trees on the other side of the lake. It was quiet except for a few frogs and bugs making noises from the grass.

Steve took a deep breath before he took the formula out of his pocket and then poured it into the lake, not thinking about it twice. The curse may have told him to steal it, but it had never said that he couldn’t destroy it.

He might pay for it tomorrow. If the curse told him to bring it somewhere, deliver it to somebody, he’d black out and maybe this time for good. He would not be responsible for it landing in the wrong hands, though. And if he died for it.

_Fight._

_Don’t tell anyone._

The first time he shot somebody was on his first tour. The curse hadn’t told him to, which he should feel good about. It showed him that the curse wouldn’t go that far, at least. Still, though, he wished he’d have the excuse. He rationally knew that he didn’t have a choice, curse or not, it was him or the other man but still, he couldn’t shake it off. It had been his free will. There was no excuse. It had been all him and he found himself hating every second of it.

He wished it had been an order so he could have blacked out and not remember a thing of it. It was incredibly selfish of him, since the other man would still have ended up dead, but Steve really just wanted to have the image of it, the movement of his finger against the trigger and then the body dropping seconds later, too quietly for Steve to hear, out if his head. He didn’t want to see it every time he closed his eyes, but it was always there.

Brock had shaken his head at him, asking what Steve’d thought people in the army were doing. It made him rethink everything he thought he’d known about Brock. He wasn’t the only one who seemed unfazed by killing people every day, not by far, but he was the only one who looked downright amused at Steve’s trouble. He got more careful around him after that. He shouldn’t be, he knew. Theoretically, it was a good thing that Brock was unfazed by it, they weren’t here to have a picnic with the enemies after all, but still. Whenever he looked at Brock now, he heard Sam’s words over and over again in his head. _I just think he is the kind of person you don’t want to give too much power to. _Steve has never thought about it again, after Sam had said it, he’d just accepted it as true but didn’t really think about what it meant. Now, though, it came up over and over again. Sam was right and Steve didn’t know if Brock was crossing a line to get there, every time he pulled the trigger and did nothing but put a new bullet into his riffle and aim again. _A person with too much power._

_Dear Bucky,_

_It’s been a while. I couldn’t write you after Rebirth, I was shipped out immediately after and to be honest, I don’t think I’ve had a single free second since then. My mind is always running, now. I don’t need as much sleep anymore so now, when every other soldier goes to bed, I am sitting wide awake. I’ve killed a man, Buck. Actually, by now it’s more than one. I feel like I haven’t been able to breath since the first man dropped to the ground and never got up because of me. I think he was a young man. To be honest, I couldn’t tell, but with every minute I sit awake at night, my head gives me new details about him._

_I miss you. I’ve missed you before all of this too, but now I ache for you to be here. I know it’s selfish to wish you were here but I never seem to actually feel like me when you are not around. It’s like you are part of my DNA, damn Buck, you really found your way in._

_Maybe it’s also the fact that I look so different now. You wouldn’t even recognise me, I swear. I am tall now, Buck. Taller than you even, I think. Girls keep looking at me now, it’s weird. Like something they shouldn’t do, because it’s not real. I have no idea how to talk to them._

_On the few days I can actually sleep, I am so confused when I wake up. I’m still not used to just be heathy. I can breath now without my lungs giving in, my heart is healthy, I can see and hear and it’s scary. The world is loud, Buck. I get startled by everything. Peggy blew a whistle next to me a few days ago and I nearly jumped out of my skin. There are noises everywhere, how do you even stand that? People chew so loudly, too._

_I am being transferred also. I’ll join a team called the Howling Commandos. Rings a bell, Buck? It’s part of the 107th. I’ll see you again, Buck. I’ll see you again real soon. I can’t wait for you to kick my ass for everything I have done since you left and before that, and I mean this more honestly than I should. I am coming for you, as I promised I would. You told me to not go anywhere, where you can’t follow me, but well, turns out I am following you. Till the end of the line, right? Stay put, I’ll be there in a few days. You will be so mad when you see me. You don’t blush often but I can already see how red your face will be from anger and Buck, let me tell you, it makes me miss you even more._

_A few more days, Buck._

_Steve._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!! First, of all, Happy new year !! ♥️
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this part of the story!! Let me know in the comments, reading them always makes me super happy :) 
> 
> The next part is basically ready to go, so be ready!!
> 
> I hope you have a great day!!   
\- Nick ♥️
> 
> (Also also I am sorry but Steve only allowed to lie but being able to say "You weren't easy!" to Buck, was definitely a late night - only - one - brain cell - writing moment, but once it was in there, it wasn't going anywhere jsdlkldks)


	3. Chapter 3

_Sleep early._

_Listen._

_Don’t tell anyone._

Bucky looked mad when Steve saw him again. Absolutely furious to be exact. Steve couldn’t remember ever feeling more happy to see him. Because even though he was running right towards Steve, steps heavy and face pulled into an angry frown, not slowing down as if he was about to just run right through Steve, he was alive. He had a slight bruise on his cheek bone, already fading away and his hair has grown a little bit longer, curls more defined now. Steve felt his mouth pull into a stupid grin. Bucky was alive and beautiful and Steve didn’t see any reason why life could ever be bad.

Bucky stopped abruptly right in front of Steve, anger disappearing from his face for a second when he looked Steve up and down, surprise spreading over his features when he realised that he now had to look up at Steve slightly, before his eyes lids clenched together again in anger.

”You are an absolute fucking punk,” Bucky bit out, panting. ”I didn’t want to yell at you back at home but how dare you?”

Steve wished he could say something to defend himself or even just agree with Buck, but he seemed to not be able to do anything but just stare at his best friend. Alive and healthy and just right there, so real, so beautiful.

Bucky scoffed and crossed his arms over his chest. ”I am so happy to see you again, don’t get me wrong. So fucking happy,” he yelled, shaking his head, eyes never leaving Steve either. ”But _how dare you?”_

Steve was still too busy smiling like an idiot to react. Bucky raised an eyebrow at his silence and then just shook his head again. ”Out here, on the field, when you were supposed to stay safe at home and then you have the nerve to write me letters, about how many girls fall for you now and you don’t know how to talk to them, how Peggy _sees_ you and _believes_ in you, as if I hadn’t done that all my life too. Rubbing it in. You know you might not love me but you didn’t have to be so cruel about it.” His words were laced with hurt, not even the tiniest bit of it hidden away. Bucky was unbelievable strong, Steve noticed again. He wished he could say something, but Bucky was obviously not done talking and Steve had to _listen_.

Bucky scoffed and sniffed, looking around the camp before fixing his eyes back on Steve. ”There you are, talking about how you _need me_ because only around me you feel like yourself, but have you ever thought of me? What you put me through? And now look at you, Stevie. I can’t leave you out of my sight for a second, you turn around and take part in _this_. Steve, you could have died and for what?”

Steve cooked his head at Bucky, who was breathing heavily now, running one of his hands through his hair two times before crossing them over his chest again. ”Have you said everything?” Steve asked carefully, seeking direct eye contact with Bucky.

Bucky blew out a long breath and bit his bottom lip, nodding minutely, tension visibly draining out of him. He did the little laugh again, the one he always seemed to make when he couldn’t believe how stupid he was. Steve hated it. ”Yes,” he said softly, shrugging.

”I love you too, Buck,” Steve said. Only that.

The scoff Bucky made as answer was nothing short of an insult. ”Of course you do,” he said, bitterly. ”You love how I make you feel, you said so yourself. But get that, Stevie, that doesn’t mean that you love me.”

Steve stepped closer, looking at Bucky until he returned his gaze. ”Yes, I love who I am when I am around you. But I also love _you. _Just you. Everything about you, Buck.”

Bucky’s eyes narrowed, the corners of his mouth pulling down slightly. He looked nothing but heartbroken and Steve wanted to just wipe that expression right off his face like a tear. ”Sure you do.”

”Yes,” Steve insisted, reaching out to rub over Bucky’s cheekbone with his thumb, he couldn’t help it. Bucky leaned into the touch hesitantly, sad eyes back on Steve.

”No, you don’t,” Bucky answered, shaking his head slowly. ”You maybe think you do, because everything in your life is changed now and people notice you and I am the one thing that reminds you of how easy life used to be at home, but that still doesn’t mean that you will ever love me the way I love you.”

”I have loved you back at home exactly like I love you now, too,” Steve rushed to say, wondering why Bucky was so determined to find proof that Steve’s feelings weren’t real.

Bucky only shook his head again, stepping out of Steve’s touch. ”You just think that. But as far as I see this, you can just turn around and there are now women stumbling over their feet when you look at them. I read what you wrote about Peggy. You are already halfway in love with her and the one thing holding you back is your good fucking heart. You don’t want to hurt me so you tell yourself that you love me but you don’t. Be honest with yourself. Be honest with me. I think I deserve at least that.”

Steve reached out again but didn’t touch Bucky this time, when he stepped out of the way once more. ”I am not in love with Peggy,” he said perplex and so desperate for him to understand. ”I have been in love with you for months. Maybe even years, Buck. Why can’t you just take my word for it?”

”Because you left!” Bucky called out, causing Steve to flinch back. Bucky looked so small, Steve noticed right after. Not only because Steve was taller now, but because he held himself as if he was just waiting for the next wave to hit, his eyes tired and sad and his posture all sunken in and insecure. ”You left _me_ and never even apologised for it. Never even told me _why_. And now you stand here and tell me to believe you when you tell me that you love me, as if I haven’t made this exact same mistakes only a few months ago. Do you really think I am that stupid?”

Steve stepped back a few inches more, starring at Bucky, his mouth fallen open. There was so much hurt radiating off of his friend, Steve couldn’t even believe he hadn’t seen it until right now. In his head, Bucky had long forgiven him for it, because it hadn’t been Steve’s fault, but how was he supposed to know that?

Distressed he ran a hand through his hair, walking back into Bucky’s personal space. ”Buck,” Steve said, with an urgency to it that he didn’t know he could even voice. ”I never wanted to leave you. Please, believe me.”

Bucky looked at him like he has just lost his mind. ”You really do think I am that stupid, don’t you?”

Steve shook his head, putting his hands back on Bucky’s cheeks carefully. ”I am deeply sorry that I left you. I never should have and I never wanted to, please, trust me. Leaving you there was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”

Closing his eyes, Bucky leaned into Steve’s hands, a tiny smile playing around his lips. Steve hated that all of Bucky’s smiles seemed to be so sad nowadays. ”So why did you do it?”

And now wasn’t that just the $1.000.000 question. Steve took a deep breath. He could finally find out what his curse would do if he disobeyed a direct order, but the worst thing he could be doing right now was to literally die on Bucky right here. ”Do you trust me?” Steve asked instead, leaning his forehead against Bucky’s.

Bucky closed his eyes, sighing defeatedly. ”You know I do.”

”Then trust me that I had no choice but to leave. But it had nothing to do with how genuine my feelings for you are, I promise you. I hope one day I’ll be able to explain it all to you, but till then, please know that I won’t ever leave you, not when I can help it.”

Bucky nodded slightly, looking conflicted for a few seconds longer before he opened his eyes again, seeking Steve’s. ”So, you are sure that you love me?”

Steve laughed quietly, leaning in closer. ”More certain than I am about anything else in my whole life.”

The smile Bucky shot his way was soft and maybe a little desperate. Steve leaned in to kiss him, just as softly.

”Oh, and Steve?” Bucky whispered quietly, staying close enough that Steve could feel Bucky’s words on his lips.

”Mhm?” Steve hummed, trying to burn Bucky’s eye color into his mind forever. He faced the sun, his pupils small but standing out in the bright grey of his eyes.

”I hate to break it to you but your name ain’t unique either, pal.”

The laugh that bobbled up his throat was a surprising sound for him, filled with the disbelieve of the whole situation. Of knowing that Bucky was okay and he was okay and they have managed to find each other again, in all of this.

”So you got my letters, huh?” Steve asked, through his little giggle that hasn’t quite stopped yet.

He felt like had never felt more okay than in that very moment.

_Fight._

_Don’t tell anyone._

Pulling the trigger became easier over time, Steve noticed. He found righteousness in it too. He stopped to really think about it. Maybe also because he found out that killing people with nothing but the impact of the shield Howard has given him, was worse. More personal, maybe. With the gun, he pulled one trigger, a body fell to the ground a few feet away from him and that was it. Around him were more bodies dropping by the hundreds, thousands and all they did was recharge and aim.

The first time he actually killed another person with his shield, he couldn’t look at his hands for weeks afterwards. It was close. He saw the man he’s killed. Middle aged, angry, shouting till he would never do so again. Steve was sure he’d felt his skull crack under the impact of his shield but he couldn’t be too certain. His mind was playing tricks with him all the time.

Bucky didn’t deal with it well either. Better than Steve had thought he would and if you didn’t pay attention, he nearly seemed indifferent, but Steve knew him better than that. Bucky looked more tired, more pale and more haunted with every day that passed, but he still had his soft smiles for Steve and charming jokes for everyone around them and Steve felt pride for how good Bucky seemed to find his place in the army. Because truth was also, that Bucky was _good_. Analysing, strategising, executing plans, he was great at it. He was even better at shooting. Bucky only had to take one look around, clench his eyes a little and then was already ready to take place somewhere higher up, laying next to his sniping gun, hitting every target spot on. It was as if he was born for it. The pride that Steve felt for him every time he looked up and Bucky was already focused and ready to strike, filled him with warmth.

It put things into perspective for him, though, when one night Bucky came to his tent, his hands shaking so strongly, it didn’t seem like they would ever stop. Steve sat up on his mattress in an instant, taking Bucky’s hands in his. ”I wish I had never found out how good I am at killing people, Stevie,” Bucky had whispered brokenly. So quietly that Steve wasn’t even sure if he had intended for Steve to hear it. It was so raw and honest, Steve felt ashamed for ever feeling proud. For ever thinking that Bucky was to be envied for being so good at being a sniper. Ashamed that he had ever forgotten that Bucky has never wanted to be here to begin with.

Weeks turned into months quickly, Thanksgiving passed and as did Christmas, and even though they weren’t back at home to celebrate it, they were together at last. Bucky had his arm around Steve the whole time the rest of the commandos sung Christmas songs drunkly around the bonfire. It felt like home. Steve just didn’t know if it was a good thing or not.

The air was heavy with smoke and the realisation that tomorrow’s mission might be the hardest one they’ve ever had to get through yet. Brock had been transferred to their unit 2 months after Steve got picked as the leader for the commandos and he had brought intel on one Dr. Zola, the leader of a group called HYDRA that seemed to be popping up on their radar more and more often, sprinkled into the enemies they fought, more aggressive and stronger and really, really annoying.

Brock had given them the information he’d gathered from one the bases his team and him had taken over, telling them that Zola seemed to be the scientist behind the strong soldiers, just appearing and killing the army’s soldiers by the hundreds before disappearing again unseen. Zola was rumoured to travel to another base by train tomorrow, and Steve was not planning on letting him make it that far.

”You worried about tomorrow?” Bucky asked softly, looking at him with tired eyes. Steve slowly came to turns with what his occupation made him do, something righteous and right about it, he promised to fight and he did. Bucky, though, seemed to just keep on doing his job, not wanting to think or talk about it anymore. The circles around his eyes growing, his eyes a bit more dull and empty and he started to get nightmares, waking Steve in the middle of the night shivering and screaming.

It made the whole curse thing a lot harder, too. Steve snapped to attention instantly, cradling Bucky to his chest before he was even fully awake, but that also caused him to not pay any mind to the list before it disappeared again. It scared him, not knowing what the list told him. The knowledge that he had to listen to his body 100%, looking what he could or couldn’t do without blacking out.

”Only a little,” Steve answered honestly, something he wasn’t sure he had to do today but lying to Bucky wasn’t an option either way so it didn’t matter. ”We have a good team here. Getting on the train is the rough part, it’s gonna be smooth sailing afterwards.”

”Yeah, hopefully,” Bucky muttered and then raised his cup of eggnog to his lips. ”Maybe it’ll all be over then finally. Kind of missing the easy days, when all I had to do was watch out that you don’t get your ass kicked in a back alley.”

Steve chuckled softly and pulled Bucky closer to him. ”Peggy made the plans for the mission and she knows what she’s doing. Also, I think the days of you busting me out of a back alley fight are over.”

Bucky raised his free hand and pressed down on Steve’s pec jokingly. ”Yeah, I guess they are. And don’t talk shit, Rogers, Peggy made the plans but she told you it’s high risk and you know it.”

Steve moved away slightly from Bucky’s fingers poking him and pressed a little kiss to the top of his head then. ”She said that she could totally make the plans work and would if she was here and not training newbies.”

Humming, Bucky drank the rest of his cup silently. ”I just hope we all get home safe.”

”We will. It’s all going to turn out just fine.” Well. Famous last words.

_Fight._

Bucky moved on the bed next to him, murmuring distressed in his sleep. Steve pressed his eyes closed.

_Don’t kill Dr. Zola._

Steve pulled Bucky on his chest, kissing his hair and forehead softly, over and over again, while trying to pay attention to the list. He furrowed his eyebrows, trying to concentrate some more but the details of it were already becoming blurry and disappearing in his mind. He was sure he’d gotten it all though.

Relieved he breathed out and pulled the stilling Bucky even closer to him, running a hand through his slightly sweaty hair.

And then he was suddenly wide awake with a start, sitting up hurriedly, causing Bucky to slid off of his chest and wake up.

”What is it?” Bucky asked sleepily, looking up at Steve with one tired eye, the other one still closed.

Steve shock his head and closed his eyes, trying to will the list back into his mind. He was so sure he’d gotten everything.

He was supposed to fight and also not kill Dr. Zola. But there was nothing about not telling Bucky.

Steve looked down at his boyfriend in awe, not able to close his mouth. _There is nothing about not telling Buck_y. The excitement was short lived, though, because the sobering thought came in the next second. It should make him feel good to finally be able to tell him. But all it did was make him incredibly anxious. This had to come with a price, he knew it. He just didn’t know if he really wanted to pay it.

”Buck,” Steve said softly, but apparently with enough importance in his voice that Bucky blinked open both eyes sitting up next to Steve immediately, after turning the little lamp next to the mattress on.

Bucky had little imprints from Steve’s shirt on his cheek and a little cut going down his forehead. His hair was long enough to fall into his eyes messily, now. Steve couldn’t believe how he ever got lucky enough to land someone like him.

”You know how some people are magic?” Steve continued, not feeling dizzy or sick at all. It had to be bad sign.

”Yes?” Bucky answered and then his eyes light up excitedly, making it all the more obvious to Steve how dull they’ve looked before. ”Why? Are you — ?”

Steve laughed silently, shaking his head softly, even though he really didn’t want to rob Bucky of the excitement. ”No”, Steve said softly looking into Bucky’s eyes, who has raised an eyebrow and looked at Steve patiently listening. ”I’m cursed.”

Bucky’s mouth fell open, one hand finding Steve’s, gripping it hard. ”In what way?” He asked, voice slightly shaking, thick with worry.

”I am not the one in control over my life. Or over my choices,” Steve began, not quite knowing the words for something he’s wanted to say for 26 years. ”There is a list for me every morning I wake up. A list with things I have to do or am prohibited from doing.”

Bucky starred at him in nothing but shock. He looked shaken to the core, cheeks pale, making the dark circles around his eyes and the cut stand out more. He looked downright sick. Not judging, though, which was something that Steve didn’t even know he’d been worrying about till he saw Bucky looking more terrified than he ever has in his life. He looked like he had the night he told Steve that he hated to have found out that killing was something he was naturally talented at.

”Is that it?” Bucky’s eyes looked distant again, haunted too but for a different reason. He carefully moved away from Steve too until they weren’t touching anymore. ”Did it make you? And that’s why you left afterwards. I’m gonna be sick.”

Bucky clutched one of his hands over his mouth as if he really was sure he’d throw up right there. Steve sat up, confused, not touching Bucky because he didn’t seem to want the be touched right now. Bucky was shaking slightly, eyes wide and looking far away, moving around like they tried to follow his thoughts which were running a mile a second.

”What?” Steve asked, trying to connect the dots to end up wherever Bucky had, but came up empty.

”Did it force you to sleep with me?” Bucky asked, his voice so thin, so small, Steve nearly didn’t hear him. He did though and his blood ran cold instantly. Of course, that’s what Bucky would think. He made himself the bad guy every chance he got. ”And I just — did I use you? Have I— did it make me rape you?”

Steve looked over at his boyfriend with his mouth open in shock. Not in a million years would he have thought that Bucky might conclude this. There were so many things Steve didn’t have a say in but Bucky? Bucky was the one thing he was 100% certain about, always had been.

”What?” Steve repeated dumbly, still not able to make his brain actually have a logical thought. All he seemed to be able to process was that Bucky was shaking and starring ahead with tears forming in his eyes. Steve put a careful hand on his shoulder, trying to not let the way Bucky flinched minutely get to him. ”The curse didn’t make me fall in love with you,” he said slowly because Bucky had to understand this. It was important.

”Yes,” Bucky said, turning to Steve in a quick movement, his eyes looking nearly feverish. ”I believe that you love me. But did you want to sleep with me? Please be honest.”

Steve smiled softly despite the situation when he heard Bucky being so certain about Steve’s feelings for him. He’d spend months trying everything to win back Bucky’s trust and it seemed like he had succeeded and that was the best Christmas gift of them all as far as Steve was concerned.

”Buck,” Steve whispered, framing his boyfriend’s face in his hands. Bucky’s eyes jumped from Steve’s left to his right and then just looked down.

”I am sorry,” Bucky interrupted him. ”I would never —”

”And you didn’t,” Steve chimed in, brushing over Bucky’s cheek bones with his thumbs. ”Bucky, I slept with you for no other reason than that I love you and wanted to.”

Bucky let out a long shuttering breath, his eyes falling closed. ”Oh, thank god,” he said, before leaning forward till his forehead was leaning against Steve’s collar bones.

”The only thing it made me do was leave in the morning,” Steve said silently, running his hands through the hair on the back of Bucky’s head. Bucky let out another long breath, putting all his weight against Steve.

”And if you hadn’t?” His tone was a little distant, cold around the edges. Steve knew why. The fact that Steve had left him had hurt Bucky for a long time, maybe too long so for him to just let it go quite yet. He had asked Steve another 5 times in the past few months why he had left. Always whispered it in the dark after they’ve slept together as if he wanted to make sure to not make the same mistake again and have Steve leave all over again. It was a heartbreaking thing to think about.

”I’d have blacked out. I wouldn’t have known what happened. I probably would have said hurtful things. Maybe actually hurt you and not remember a thing of it the next day. I couldn’t risk it, Buck.” Steve felt Bucky nod against him and then sighed, leaning down to press a soft kiss to the back of his boyfriends head. ”I’ve never wanted to leave you.”

They stayed silent for a while, just their breathing filled the tent until Bucky leaned back, keeping his hands on Steve’s forearms. ”So why didn’t you tell me?”

Steve locked eyes with his boyfriend, corners of his mouth slightly turning down as bitter regret filled him. ”I couldn’t. It told me not to, every day for my whole life.”

Bucky looked sad, devastated on his behalf and it made Steve feel just as sad to see him so miserable about something that was neither his fault nor his problem. ”I am deeply sorry for you, Steve. This must have been really hard for you.”

Steve nodded slightly, looking down to Bucky’s hands on his arms. ”Sometimes I don’t even know who I am.”

Rubbing over Steve’s arms, Bucky made a little hum, deep in thought. Steve could swear he saw the ideas rolling around in Bucky’s head, trying to find a solution desperately for any problem that was put in front of him. ”Are you right now?” Bucky asked at last, his thumb still drawing little circles on Steve’s wrists.

”Doing what?” Steve asked back, coming back from just being lost in starring at Bucky.

”Are you finally telling me this because you trust me or because you are forced to?” Bucky spelled it out for him, raising one of his eyebrows at Steve. Steve loved when he did that, it made him look so much like the little sassy teasing man Bucky had been just a year ago, before the war began to weight down on him, too.

Steve shook his head and looked at Bucky for a while longer. ”I want to. I wanted to all along but never could.”

Bucky smiled at him softly, little dimples on his cheeks forming. ”Then there is your first answer.”

”To what?” Steve asked, his voice soft, completely lost in the glow Bucky seemed to radiate whenever he smiled.

”To who you are,” Bucky said with an audible _duh _in the subtext.

Bucky found a way to make him feel better. He always seemed to do that.

The worst thing was, Steve had known that there was about to be another shoe that dropped. It had literally been one of his first thoughts in the morning after he’d seen the list. He thought that he’d have to pay a price for being able to tell Bucky but then everything had gone so well he had totally forgotten about his own doubts about the whole thing.

In retrospect, he wondered if it would have been any different, if he hadn’t told Bucky. If the curse even had anything to do with it or not at all, if Steve maybe was just projecting. Either way, he would have never even left his tent that day if he had known. He would have done so many things differently. Maybe he would have never participated in the project to beginn with. Or maybe he would have never thrown the serum into the water. He had no idea if that had been what had been the cause for all of this but it made him feel like it was just designed to make him pay. He had played around too much, he had disobeyed and he was paying for it. 

”And you are sure about this?” Bucky asked him in the morning, looking down to the train tracks from where they stood up on a snowy mountain, hiding in plain sight.

”It might be our only shot at him,” Steve shrugged, turning back to the rest of the commandoes.

”We only have a 10 second window,” Steve said loudly, catching the men’s attention easily. ”We have to be quick, subtle and on point. No slip ups.”

”Literally,” Brock added, covering it up poorly with a little cough.

Bucky rolled his eyes at their friend and then turned back to face Steve. ”And what do we do if we find Zola?”

Steve was about to order them to do whatever but to make sure that the man did not leave the train on his own turns, no matter what it took to stop him, but then he remembered his list. ”Not kill him, preferably. If he really is the mind behind HYDRA, it’s unlikely for him to give us any intel on it but he is still more useful alive than dead.”

All men nodded their affirmation, Bucky adding a little salute. ”Okay, then let’s capture him.”

”The train is gonna pass here in 30 seconds, get ready, we don’t have any time for hesitations or regrets.”

Steve grabbed his gear and walked up to the edge of the mountain, eyes seeking out the train in close distance.

”Remember the time I made you ride the Cyclone on Coney Island?” Bucky asked from behind him, causing Steve to look over his shoulder to his boyfriend.

”Yeah, and I threw up?” Steve asked back, eyes looking his boyfriend up and down again before they sought the train again.

”This isn’t payback, is it?” Bucky murmured, also grabbing his gear and then squeezing Steve’s shoulder.

”Now why would I do that?” Steve shot back, grinning at his boyfriend, putting one of his hands atop of Bucky’s.

It went more smoothly than Steve had anticipated. All of the commodes made it onto the train and getting inside of it also turned out more to be more easy than they planned it on being. HYDRA’s soldiers weren’t afraid to open fire the second they sensed danger, paying no mind to the fact that they shot a few of their own in the process. Steve felt no remorse for killing for the first time. They were only slightly outnumbered but his men were good fighters and it seemed like they were having it all under control.

Until one of the back doors of the train opened, revealing a man in metal body armour, not even waiting to scan the room before throwing an explosive in the general direction of Steve.

And that was the second when Steve remembered his thought he had that morning. _There was gonna be a price for it. _Everything slowed down around him, he saw it happen in slow movements all around him. Saw the fire coming his way, saw Dum-Dum yell out for him, saw Bucky jump in front of him.

Saw the explosion ripping off the side of the train, taking Bucky with it. Saw Bucky holding on for dear life outside the train, gripping everything he could, face pale and eyes scared.

Bucky Barnes had had a plan for how his life was going to go. Where he wanted it to go. There were many slip ups, failures and obstacles in his way that seemed to be dedicated just to make it as hard for him as possible to reach his goals, but he had always been a fighter. Committed and loyal and ready to fight tooth and nail to archive what he wanted to.

He died scared. He looked up at Steve with wide eyes, reaching out to just be caught and then there was nothing but resignation and terror in his eyes when he realised that he would not be saved. He would not come back home, marry Steve, have a family, die happily. He would never again complain about Steve’s socks on the floor or curse in the morning when he burned their breakfast again.

He fell to his death for an agonisingly long time and Steve could do nothing but stare down from the train, knowing that he had failed.

Steve had not been able to save Bucky but instead watched how he fell, taking everything Steve was or ever will be with him.

The report would state the mission a success with Zola captured and minimal casualties. Steve only shock his head at it, sight blurred with tears, throat too cloaked up to form words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey you!!   
I know it has been a hot minute but hey!! I'm back. I have already written 47k words of this, I'm nearly finished I think (I haven't actually written anything for it in a little while so idk what past - Nick had planned but imma take a look at my notes soon jsfsdd), so I'll try to upload again soon. 
> 
> I'd love to read your comments and opinions about it. I'm always happy seeing an email telling me that there is a new comment, makes me smile all the time. :)
> 
> I hope you are having a great day!! 
> 
> \- Nick <3


	4. Chapter 4

_Fight._

_Don’t tell anyone._

Steve laid his head back down on Bucky’s pillow, unmoving. His eyes felt heavy, his back ached. It was hard for him to breath and his heart felt like it was having trouble pumping his blood, it felt weak, like it had before the serum. Steve closed his eyes again, not moving an inch. He had to get up and fight but for what? He had nothing more to give. He had lost everything he’s had.

Steve threw one arm over his eyes, his head starting to feel like it was gonna break in two, the whole world spinning as the curse caught up with his unwillingness to do anything today. He welcomed the darkness that seemed to swallow him whole, pulling him under in blissful unconsciousness.

_Fight._

_Don’t tell anyone._

His body ached when he woke up. It burned as if every single bone had been broken and never gotten the time to heal.

He wasn’t awake long enough to check if that was the case.

_Fight._

_Don’t tell anyone._

The curse has been telling him that for the past week. He’s never obeyed. He always woke up the next morning, arms aching and blood on his uniform and shield, no idea if it was his own and the strong suspicion that it wasn’t. If somebody noticed anything, Steve didn’t spend enough time being conscious to be confronted by it.

_Fight._

_Don’t tell anyone._

Steve’s lost count of the days after the first week. It might have been only 2 weeks by then or a whole month, he didn’t know. He didn’t care. His uniform was torn to pieces on the side one morning. He didn’t even move to check if he was injured. And yes, if Steve ever really had the time to think about what he did, he knew it was selfish. He was killing people, he knew it. He was supposed to lead the commodes but he’d rather not do anything. Rather not be awake long enough for his brain to start play Bucky’s death over and over again in his head. Steve closed his eyes, tears still escaping his eyelids and rolling down his cheeks before the dizziness came and brought the relieving darkness with it.

_Don’t tell anyone._

Steve rolled to his side, clenching his eyes closed, waiting for his world to begin to turn and twist and then throw him out of the equation. Bucky had been reaching out for him. He had been clinging to the side of the train but trusted Steve enough to let go and reach out for him and Steve had been too slow. He had not been able to catch him.

Bucky’s _face_ when he had fallen. Only visible for about two seconds before he was swallowed by the dust and snow below the bridge. He had screamed, a sound that Steve seemed to be doomed to hear for the rest of his life it seemed. He’d look horrified, eyes looking at his hand that Steve had failed to grab and then wandered up to make the last eye contact with Steve he’d ever have. Eyes wide, horrified and then going soft looking at Steve for tiniest seconds and then gone, forever.

”Grab my hand!” Steve had yelled, as if he hadn’t been the one who _wasn’t _enough to save him. Steve shut his eyes tighter, pressing his hand over his heart, taking a deep breath that got stuck somewhere on its way through his throat.

Steve tried to get his breathing under control and failing. _You can always count on me. I won’t let you down, pal, _Steve had promised Bucky, in their apparent back at home, and it seemed like years ago. When he had realised that he had to lie that day and the curse hadn’t stopped him from saying it. He had forgotten about it, it was so long ago, there seemed to be more pressing issues at the time.

Steve sat up hurriedly, looking around blurry eyed. This wasn’t right. He was supposed to be blacked out by now. He wasn’t supposed to be able to think about all that. It was too much pain for him to handle, too much for him there he had ignored for weeks now, he hadn’t been awake that long in forever. And that was when it hit him. The list had never told him to fight today. He wasn’t ignoring any orders by lying here.

Shaking his head, Steve pressed his hands over his eyes, breath quickening. He was not ready to face this. He used to never run from a fight. Never. This was different, though. He couldn’t quite say in what way it was different, but it was.

”Get up, grumpy.” A voice called from outside his tent right before Peggy stuck her head inside, looking at him. ”Oh, you’re already up.”

Steve frowned, his eyelids feelings too heavy to be kept open to make eye contact with Peggy. ”Yes, I am,” he answered simply, still lost in thoughts about how he was supposed to get through the whole day, knowing that now he had to deal with everything he had suppressed for the past weeks.

”Did you sleep at all?” Peggy asked, walking through his tent, picking cloths up and throwing them on the mattress to him, before sitting down on one of the chairs in the corner. ”You look exhausted.”

”I slept,” Steve answered quietly, not quite knowing what to do with himself now that he had to. He just wanted to get back to sleep and forget the world.

”Don’t be short with me, Steve,” Peggy snipped, folding her legs elegantly. ”It’s your own fault for killing more HYDRA agents than capturing them. We don’t have the intel to go on another mission today and you know it. We can’t do it with vague plans anymore, we agreed on it.”

Steve looked up at her, shrugging. He had no idea what he had been up to the past few days but he figured it hadn’t been pretty. ”I know,” Steve said even though he really didn’t. ”I’m sorry.” That, at least, was nothing but the truth.

Peggy’s face soften at that. She stood up from the chair and then walked over to sit on his bedside carefully. ”I know you’re sorry, Steve. You have been through a lot and you have every right to act up. But there is nothing to fight today, okay? Take the day off. You don’t have to win the war all by yourself.”

Looking at his friend’s understand face made it somehow worse. It might have been weeks for everybody else but for Steve Bucky died yesterday. ”Peggy, I miss him so much,” he said because it was true and he had to get it out there. It was eating away on him and he had nowhere to run to. He couldn’t hide from that. There was so much pain andemotions building up in him and he felt like he would explode if he didn’t say anything about it.

Peggy laid on hand on his shoulder, her red lips pulled down in a sad way. ”We all do, Steve.”

She had barely known him, so the words were probably nothing more than just a way of helping him grieve but Steve appreciated them nonetheless.

”I don’t remember anything from the past few days,” Steve said honestly. ”All I know is that I haven’t been without him since I was 12 years old and I have no idea how I am supposed to just keep on living now.”

”The past few weeks have been rough,” Peggy nodded, not asking why Steve said he didn’t remember. It’s not like he could tell her anyway. ”For all of us. You are a good fighter, Steve, but so reckless. James gave his life for this, make sure you’re here to live yours before you follow him.”

Steve looked at her, not sure he’d have the words to explain to her that Steve had no idea how he’d ever really live his life again, when Bucky left such a big, gaping hole in it.

They found new leads, fought, brought more agents in. HYDRA kept popping up, always seemed to come back no matter how many they took in or _out. _Everywhere Steve and his team went, they seemed to be or their destruction, anyways.

Steve didn’t feel bad about killing them, he noticed after two weeks of waking up, fighting, seeing Bucky’s face wherever he went, get back to his tent and rinse and repeat. It wasn’t like he _enjoyed_ killing them, it just seemed to be the only thing he could do to avenge Bucky. He was dead because of them and he didn’t want to find joy in fighting them but it didn’t feel bad either. He didn’t feel bad.

He felt the absolute worse he’d ever felt at any other time of the day, though. He went to sleep , lost in hurtful thoughts and woke up from heart aching nightmares. If it was obvious how bad he was doing, everybody had the decency not to mention it, though. Maybe thinking he would get over it eventually, after all it wasn’t an unforeseeable thing that people lost love ones in war. It happened all the time. Steve knew that. Didn’t change that there wasn’t and won’t ever be a time in his life in which he could accept Bucky being gone. Not after he had finally been able to explain everything to him, finally had cleared the air, finally could be only happy and nothing else.

_Lie._

_Don’t tell anyone._

Steve obeyed. He got up, did as he was told and went to bed again, looking at the side of the bed Bucky used to sleep on.

_Don’t use your shield._

_Talk to Brock Rumlow._

_Don’t tell anyone._

Steve didn’t even question it. He got up, left his shield standing next to his bed, went to talk Brock the whole day long, pissing him off by the end of it and then sat on his bed until he passed out. The last thing he saw were Bucky’s bright blue eyes, how his hair stood up in the morning, the little scares that freckled his body and the little, soft teasing smile he had when he talked about sex.

_Talk back._

_Don’t follow direct orders._

_Don’t tell anyone._

And Steve did just that.

He used to have more fight in him about the curse. Find the loopholes, exploit them, do everything as pissed off as he could. Now, he felt more like a robot. Maybe the curse had finally won, Steve didn’t know. Didn’t care. The curse was helping him not to have to think too much about anything. That was until the next morning anyway.

_Don’t fly the bombs anywhere but the city._

_Don’t tell anyone._

And with that, suddenly Steve was wide awake. He hadn’t felt like that in months. He might have stopped blacking out but that didn’t mean he’d actually felt aware of his surroundings. Peggy, Howard, Rumlow and him had spend weeks trying to dig up as much about HYDRA as they could and they had only found a lead about a man called the RedSkull a few days ago. They were supposed to drive out to a base far east.

They didn’t really know what they should be expecting there but now Steve already had an idea about it and he didn’t like it one bit. Even more so since he couldn’t say much but at least, with full certainty that he didn’t know what bombs or what city but he would not fly them in it.

Steve sat up on his bed, starring ahead. So, this was the day he died, he thought. He would not do it. There was no way he’d fly them into the city and it seemed like there weren’t many outcomes of a situation involving bombs and flying and orders that would end with him being okay.

He ran a hand through his hair, blowing a breath out. He wasn’t scared. He never seemed to be when it was only his own life on the line.

”Okay, this base has 4 official entrances and 3 more through tunnels underground,” Peggy pointed to the picture of the base that laid out on the table in front of them.

Howard popped a bubble gum bubble and then snapped his fingers. ”One more, from above.”

Peggy looked up at him and then disapprovingly at his legs that were propped up on the table. Howard only shrugged at her.

”And you are sure we should storm it today?” Rumlow asked, his arms crossed over his chest, frowning like he was being paid to disapprove of any plan Peggy’s ever made. ”It seemed like we are rushing into this.”

Steve shock his head, pushing Howard’s feet off the table. ”No, it’s today or never. RedSkull won’t stay at this base much longer and it could take months till we track him down again.”

Peggy nodded at him, pointedly not even sparing Rumlow a glance. Steve couldn’t help the tiny smile creeping up on his face at that. ”You can just stay here, Rumlow, if you’re too scared to take a risk,” she said, sugar sweet and with a smile so sharp Steve wondered if she could kill a man with it.

Brock scoffed and shock his head but stayed silence. Steve’s smile widened.

It was a long mission. Messy, too. In the end, Steve could be the bigger man and maybe even admit that Brock had been right and it wouldn’t have hurt to get more intel before storming the base, not that he’d ever say that out loud. Brock’s ego might erupt if he heard Steve say that. Of course, they’d have lost RedSkull again, though, so really it had been their best shot.

Still, there were many things they hadn’t planned for. The number of soldiers in the base, the futuristic weapons they had and also, the plane loaded with bombs that had been speeding past them on the way out.

How he ended up on board of it was a blur for Steve. He remembered running, driving, shouting, mostly by Peggy but by him, too, he was sure of it. "I'm going after him. I'm not gonna stop 'til all of HYDRA is dead or captured,” Steve had yelled. He didn’t know if Peggy had heard him, but that didn’t change his mission.

Steve took a careful step forward, looking around in the Valkyrie. There were multiple fighter planes with their targets written on them: Boston, Chicago, New York. Steve took a shuddering breath and walked to the cockpit carefully, trying not to make a sound while his heart was pounding in his chest.

_Don’t fly the bombs anywhere but the city. _That was it. The bombs were here, the city too and the order was right in place. Steve swallowed, only seconding his thought from the morning, he was not gonna do it. There was no way he would let that happen.

”You don’t give up, do you?” A voice asked, causing Steve to turn in its direction immediately, squaring his shoulders. He tried really hard to not let the uneasiness of the red face of his opponent show on his face. It freaked Steve out, though. Knowing that he could have ended up with a face just like that if he had been unlucky.

”No,” Steve said, voice heavy with warning. Without waiting he threw his shield at the other man, who blocked it, but did stumble backwards slightly when doing so.

”You could have the power of the gods! Yet you wear a flag on your chest and think you fight a battle of nations! I have seen the future, Captain! There are no flags!” He called out, not looking the slightest bit intimidated.

"Not my future!” The two of them fought hand to hand, Steve gritting his teeth at the strength of the other man. He had obviously received a serum similar to Steve’s and it showed. He didn’t get the same training, though. Steve kicked him hard enough to stumble a few steps back, where he knocked into the controls, causing the plane to plummet until RedSkull pressed a few buttons on the plane, which ones, Steve couldn’t quite make out. The plane leveled and Red Skull fired at Steve with a pistol, a bullet Steve could only barely dodge with his shield, which he then threw at Red Skull's chest, knocking him into some device that Steve didn’t have enough time examine, that contained some kind of blue glowing cube. RedSkull picked it up, looking at Steve with anger. ”What have you done? No.”

He was still staring at Steve when the cube began to glow, energy starting to pour from it, revealing cloudy dusk forming around him. A stream of blue energy engulfed Redskull and took him into the sky. The cube fell to the ground and burned through it until it fell into the sea below. Steve has only had a tiny second of time to just stare at the hole that the cube had left and then at the space where Redskull had stood and just disappeared into thin air. He shock his head to himself, promising himself that he would read more about magic and its involvement with teleportation when he got home.

It was an empty promise and he knew it. He didn’t plan on coming home ever again. He had no choice.

Steve went to the front of the cockpit, having to take only one look to see the issue. Red blinking, the autopilot, aiming the plane to New York. Steve swallowed looking around. He wrestled with the controls and then sat down on the chair heavily. The steering yoke barely moved to the right and left, it only seemed to go up and down. The plane did respond to manually moving the column but as soon as he let go, the plane immediately reverted to its original heading. He had nowhere to go.

_Don’t fly the bombs anywhere but the city. _It was an unusually clear order. Normally he found a loophole. Like destroying the serum had been. He has not yet had to pay for that but he felt like this order might be it.

Steve started to flick switches but that didn’t appear to do anything. He was not the least bit surprised. He looked around more and noticed nothing but that the plane was mere minutes from its destination and was still armed with at least two active bombs. Steve ran a hand through his hair, his heart pounding heavily in his chest.

He could try and built something, try and find a way for the plane to not steer into the city and also doesn’t include him being on the plane, steering. Before even taking another longer look around, Steve knew that it was not gonna happen. Whatever he could jerry-built in the few minutes until they reached New York could be working itself loose after he left the plane and it was in no way worth risking 7.5 million lives, so that he could live. He knew that. He had known it since he’d seen the order to bomb the city and he’d known it even before that.

He had always been ready to lay down his life for the greater good and what better way was there than to do it while saving a whole city?

While tapping the com in his ear, Steve sat down in the cockpit chair. It was actually quite comfortable, considering. Maybe not the best place to die, but not the worst one either, he guessed.

“This thing’s moving too fast and it’s headed for New York,” he said into the coms, watching his hands shake slightly. “I gotta put it in the water.”

Peggy answered him immediately, her voice wavering just the tiniest bit. “Please! Don’t do this. We have time.”

”I’m sorry, Pegs,” Steve answered instead of arguing with her. ”I don’t have a choice.”

She began to answer something, ranting and it all sounded logical, it really did. Steve shock his head and took a deep breath. ”I have to do this. I’m sorry,” he said again before taking a deep breath and taking his com out of his ear.

His vision was greying out in the corners when he reached out for the steering wheel. It only got darker, when he pulled the lever down. His head was spinning, he felt like he might throw up and also the dancing dark spots in front of his eyes took up his entire sight, his ears deaf to anything but a loud peeping sound.

Steve felt himself fall to the side, but fought it with teeth and nails, he couldn’t black out now. He wasn’t going black out, probably anyway. Not just. That was it. He would finally find out what will happen if he disobeyed a direct order. He had never done so before and now he would see.

The sound of pane hitting the water must have been deafening loud, but he couldn’t hear it. He only really felt his body being thrown forward, hands slipping from the steering wheel as he fell. He was thrown through the windshield, but it didn’t matter.

When he felt the ice cold water coming up around him, he knew he made it. He felt his lungs fill with water and the curse was suddenly not the only thing killing him anymore. It scared him, for only a second. Knowing that that was it and he would never, ever open his eyes again. It would feel like he blacked out, he was sure of it, but he would never wake up again. After that one second of really facing that it was in fact his end, he had another startled realisation. He was at peace.

He really would finally find out what’d happen if he did something he shouldn’t. And with Bucky dead, this was an easy way to go. There was nothing left of his life without Bucky in it.

In the end, he couldn’t say if the ice in his lungs or the curse was the thing that got to him first. He only knew he drifted off, seeing Bucky, smiling softly, right in front of him. And well, what could be bad in the world when Bucky was smiling like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey you!! Time for more angst, don't you think? Hahaha 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter, let me know in the comments :) I'm always super happy reading those 
> 
> I also hope that you are doing well jdskfsd the world is crazy 
> 
> \- Nick <3

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!
> 
> I hope you enjoyed reading the first chapter. (I already have 37k more words ready to go!) Let me know what you thought of it / if you liked it. Comments always make my day! 
> 
> I am actually pretty proud of the idea of the story, it came to me when I was bored at work, I think. College and two jobs are kicking my ass right now, but I'll try to upload another chapter asap. I've thought of this story after I've read a "marvelous gift" by biblionerd07 - even though it does not have any relation to the plot of it. But after reading it (I think it is like my favourite story on here!) my head as filled with the Curse ™ idea and this is the result. 
> 
> Please let me know what you think :-)'. I love reading your comments and thoughts about the story. 
> 
> I hope you had a great start in the Christmas Month ™ !! 
> 
> \- Nick :-)
> 
> (The titel is based on NFWMB by Hozier. "Give your heart and soul to charity, 'cause the rest of you, the best of you, honey, belongs to me.")


End file.
